The End of the World

I was standing next to my car, which was parked in the driveway of the Denver townhouse. I have no idea why we were there, because we don't live in a townhouse and we don't live in Denver, but there was my car and there I was next to it. Was I getting in? Out? Grabbing some forgotten thing hidden within its depths? I don't know.

I do know, however, that I was slightly turned away when The Flash went off. I looked up to see the end of it and knew instinctively what it was. I started running into the open garage to get into the house. Deep inside I thought it would be safer inside the house than outside in my car. Safe from what was coming. I didn't know how long I'd have, but it wasn't going to be long and that distance, from the driveway into the house via the garage suddenly stretched into forever.

I was a bug trapped in amber. My legs were moving, but I wasn't making any headway. Finally, time sped back up and I lunged into the house and slammed the door shut and then the giant sucking wind began. The crashing and screaming began. I don't remember what happened next. Did I make it up the stairs? For a house I've never been in before, I know exactly how it's laid out.

Dreams are funny like that.

In the house, my family waited for me. The Hatchet Five. Plus, my mother-in-law and Grampy Jim. Was this their new place in Denver? Maybe.

It was dark now. There was ash all over the windows. We couldn't see the capitol building from here, but my instincts were telling me that we'd never see it again. That it was Ground Zero for the bomb that went off.

Was it an accident? An attack? No one knew.

There was a flower with yellow petals and a green calyx that Linda kept throwing out and that I kept pulling out of the trash and sticking back into a cup of water. She grew frustrated with me and asked me what I was doing. I replied that it may be the last bit of green we see for awhile and that we shouldn't throw it away.

It was a symbol.

People began flowing past the house with assorted belongings clutched in their arms. Confused. Despairing. Where do you go when Armageddon begins? What do you take with you? Is any direction safe? Is anyone safe?

We needed to go. Where?

I think it was summer or at least spring. There wasn't any snow and it didn't appear to be cold. I wasn't wearing a coat, at the very least.

Outside, a group of five or six men walked past, loaded with weapons and gear piled high on the back of a single bicycle. Survivalists. Everyone gave them a wide berth. One of the men tripped over his own feet and fell to the ground. Stupidly, his finger had been on the trigger of his Very Large Gun. It went off, long and loud with a ripping noise, pointed at the sky. Then it was time for Screaming and Running. People scattered.

That's when I noticed the trucks.

Enormous white semi-trucks, with Wal*mart inscribed in blue on the sides. In the trucks were hundreds of animals: dogs, cats, cattle. They were screaming and tearing at one another to escape. I think they were open sided, like cattle cars, so that we could see what was inside. They were meant to terrify. A war waged with animal fear, adding to and enhancing our own.

It was clear now that the Glassing of Denver was no accident.

We had to leave.

I remember thinking, No! Not Denver! It's dangerous in the city. I think it was related to conversations with Misty about where to live. For me, the city is right out.

The looting would start soon and with it would come predators looking for me and my children. I had a sudden visual of the scene in 24 where the mom sacrifices herself to protect her daughter from rape. And there I was with two daughters and a tiny son. We needed to go now.

We gathered up some things. I remember taking my seeds because where ever we were going, if we were to survive we would need to eat. Soon the only food available would be that which we produced ourselves. We started walking.

What had happened to my car? Perhaps it had been destroyed in the initial blast.

Suddenly things shifted and I was no longer the current time version of me. Instead, I was a teenager and I was running alongside my father and asking him where we were going and how we were going to get out of there.

Was it still Denver or was it now NYC?

I don't know. I'll never know because then? Emma woke up.

But the nightmare won't fade.

Competing Urges

Plants or naps?

Naps or cleaning?

Cleaning or reading?

Eating. No competition on the eating. Did I mention I eat every two hours?

EVERY.

TWO.

HOURS.

I've turned into a bloody hobbit. At least my feet aren't furry!

BTW, I'm thinking of photographing my feet before I forget what they looked like in the non-swollen form. You'll be subjected to this, of course. Heh!

On the bright side, I've had a dream about the babies. Eek! It's the -ies part that gets me!

In the dream, they're 2ish and are riding about on matching red Radio Flyer tricycles. Caitlin currently has one, and clearly I bought or was given another to match. And the kids? One girl, one boy; one blonde, one brunette and I couldn't tell you for the world what they looked like or who had what color hair.

Apparently my psyche has skipped right past infancy. What am I trying to tell myself, anyway?

Ah well. More in 4 days. We're taking a break, since Caitlin is on Spring Break! See ya!

Look! I still have a sense of humor!

Apocalypse dreamin'

I had a really bad dream tonight. So bad, that I'm wide awake and can't sleep anymore. So bad that I had to make myself fully wake up to get away from it.

Not so bad that while it was happening I didn't know it wasn't real and started my whole horrible bad dream breathing sequence. The crazy loud breathing, sitting up straight in bed, heart racing at 100 mph. In order to get it out of my head, I'm going to share it with you.

You're welcome!

The three of us - Eric, Caitlin and I - are somewhere. Not home. Vegas? Beach? Island? Somewhere distinctly not here. We start out inside a building and we're trying to leave but we keep on One Last Thing-ing and I can feel myself getting more and more anxious.

Note: Just so you know, any dream where we are all actually ourselves is usually a bad sign in my dreams. Good dreams don't have both C and E, it might be one or the other or good dreams will star me, but I won't be the me that I know and usually C & E aren't in it. Can't swashbuckle with a husband and kid, you know!

We clearly have to leave here and are in a hurry. There's the usual whining, I think, but there's nothing memorable about it in the dream. We get in the car, but it's not my car. There are no seatbelts for Eric and I. Caitlin is strapped into it in some way. Is Eric standing? Is it see-through?

Not Safe! Not safe! The back of my brain is screaming at me.

We're trying to get away, but where to? From what? Why are there no other people around? Suddenly, we're separated from Caitlin. I think there are more people around. My brain backfills my reality. We're farther down the...beach? Space. Something. I'm yelling at her to hang on and I'm trying to wrap my hands around something. (I suspect I was winding my hands into the bedsheets at this point.) Something to hold on to, to stay near her, but I haven't got a seatbelt. I haven't got anything to secure myself to and can't see the thing I'm trying to secure myself from.

Suddenly my view is from a long way away, not immediate first person view and I see the tsunami coming. It's gut clenching. Big. Bigger than anything. God. Overwhelming. It's going to take everything. We're going to die.

I'm screaming like a mad woman, yet I know at this point that I'm sleeping. That there is no wave and that I'm OK, but the images won't stop. We're no longer near Caitlin. I can see her just for a moment and then she is swept away and shoved towards our position by a million tons of water. I'm desperate for her to remember how to swim. That something from all of those lessons will have stuck. That I will see a small head pop up out of the water and that she'll be OK.

I can't bear it anymore. I can't stand it. I can't face the logical resolution to seeing Caitlin swept away and knowing that the wave is coming for Eric and I next. Bad enough to lose her. The worst of my nightmares, but to also see him taken as well? I need to wake up before I start weeping/screaming.

I will myself to Wake The Fuck UP! It's just a dream. You know it's just a dream! Stop it!

I can feel my own hands gripping my chest and the blankets. I hear my breathing get louder and faster, but I don't want to wake Eric up, so I try to calm myself down. I think I need to eat something when I wake up. Should I have cereal? Is that the cat? I want to pet the cat. Am I awake yet? What time is it?

I'm up. I'm shaky, but I'm up. Must get dream out of my head before I shake Eric awake for reassurance or go clutching at the sleeping Caitlin out of fear. The cats don't know anything about my dream, but they're glad I'm awake. This means they can eat early this morning. Yay! They pad down the hall in front of me on tiny, silent kitty feet. They keep looking over their shoulders to make sure I get their drift. Food! Food, right? This way! Come on!

Yeah.

Nothing like a little terror with your morning, is there? Nothing like a little take my child away/kill my child/fear of drowning/death dream! Yay!

Arrrgh!

Boy is Eric going to be confused when he sees the sticky note on his computer that says:

I love you.
Please don't die.
Yes, it was a VERY bad dream.

So how was your night? What's your worst nightmare?

First love

Can someone tell me what is wrong with my brain?

For the last several nights I've been dreaming about long lost loves of mine. When I say "long" I really mean it: one was a crush I had on Frank A. in elementary school. I haven't seen him since I was...oh...twelve. Can you tell me why I'm dreaming about him now?

Whenever I have dreams like this, Eric doesn't exist in those worlds. Caitlin usually doesn't either. It's as if they get dropped off in some pocket dimension in my memory, where I can pick them up later. Like for that next nightmare about Caitlin being stolen or Eric leaving me for my ex-best friend. You know those latter dreams? Those are the ones where I wake up angry at Eric for betraying me with someone he never really even liked, much less found attractive!

My subconscious, it's wacky!

Somehow, though, it's perfectly OK for me to dream about my childhood crushes and my last boyfriend before Eric. He even teases me about how I've run off with T in my dreams. Confident? Feh!

These dreams always seem to start up as it gets darker and darker. In the depths of winter, I dream of old flames and my brain comes up with new and exciting versions of What Might Have Been. Sometimes, Eric and Caitlin do exist and I'm leaving them for the remodeled version of my ex. What's up with that? It's never your ex as you last saw them, it's as if they get refurbished in your dreams. They've grown up a little more (or in the case of my elementary school crushes, John M., Frank A., and Ricky P., grown up entirely) and have worked out all of those annoying habits they had previously. They've also gotten better looking. Whoo-ee!

Do you dream about long lost loves/crushes? What's your trigger?