How to Fail at Sleeping

Is it actually possible to fail a sleep study? If so, I just did so.

Yeah.

I went in last Wednesday, got hooked up like a cyborg (Leads were attached to my jaw on either side, looking for bruxism, to my legs for Restless Leg Syndrome, under my eyes to check for REM sleep, a thingy up my nose to check for nose breathing and one over my upper lip to see if I am a mouth breather, to my chest for positioning, all over my head to check for alpha waves and all kinds of everything else.) and fell asleep with someone watching over me and occasionally asking me to turn over onto my other side or onto my back. I don't know how often I woke up on my own, but I remember at least 4 incidences.

And yes, it is possible to sleep while wired up like a Christmas tree.

Yet I just received the call telling me my study was "normal". I wake up gasping for breath on occasion, but didn't have an episode of that while I was being observed. Of course. I go to sleep exhausted and wake up exhausted. I nap during the day and wake up still tired. I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime. I'm not a good candidate for road trips.

Logan waking up about 6-8 times last night didn't help, either.

Why can't he eat during dinner time?

It's been suggested that I have PPD, however, I believe I have acute Sleep Deprivation:

a sufficient lack of restorative sleep over a cumulative period so as to cause physical or psychiatric symptoms and affect routine performances of tasks.
-- From WebMD

I may not technically have Sleep Apnea (stop breathing 10x or more per hour while sleeping), but I do sometimes stop breathing. I'm exhausted and get really, really angry really easily.

At first, it was because I was massively pregnant with twins, with an additional 65 lbs on me, and a burning need to pee every 30 minutes to an hour every night. Then it was twins, needing food every 1.5 hours. Then it was random waking from one of those twins. That still hasn't stopped and now my brain wakes up randomly, throughout the night.

Ooh, and Harvard thinks "...a good chunk of our epidemic of obesity is actually an epidemic of sleep deprivation.". Now that's something to think about.

Now what?

Now I try to go to sleep earlier. Try to stuff the difficult twin with more food at dinner time. Try and try and try to sleep and stay asleep.

Somewhere along the way, I'd like to find my brain, my vocabulary, my patience and my sense of humor. They've all gone missing.

Curiouser and curiouser

I'm broken. And breaking.

And lost and alone.

I'm hurt and hurting.

My inner 12 year old has come out and fucked me up good.

I'm pretty certain now that I'm unfriendable. I've just shoved away one of my last two friends. Didn't take much. A simple email. No more than 2 sentences. Five years of friendship: poof!

I'm apparently good at losing best girl friends.

Dierdre. Poof!
Anna. Poof!
Patricia. Poof!
Sherry. Poof!
Nancy I pushed away because that was all kinds of messed up.
Christine. Poof!
Kathleen. Poof!
Heather. Poof!
Now Misty. (Updated to add: Or maybe not.)

I'm so amazing!

I'm fucked up. I think fucked up thoughts and do fucked up things. I'm barely hanging on from day to day. Right now I'm hoping the sleep test I'm going in for on Wednesday will have answers. Maybe I can stop being crazy if I can get more sleep. Or maybe crazy is just part of who I am. I can't seem to make new friends. I talk too much. I talk too little. I'm always too late. I have twins.

No one gets it. No one gets me. I'm not interesting enough. I'm not mainstream enough.

I can't write. I can't take pictures. I can barely parent.

I'm certain no one wants to be friends with me, so I'm not very surprised when they stop calling or writing. I feel like I'm chasing them down and asking them to play with me and then I stop doing it and then there's this big silence. No one calls. They're not going to. I can't make myself call because how many times can I ask the same question? When do you want to get together? When can we get together? When would you like to get together? Everyone always has to "check their calendars" and "get back to me". It's that second part that seems to slide and slide and slide.

I shouldn't be allowed near communication devices during the lowest parts of my days.

I shouldn't write about it.

No one actually cares.

Maybe one day I'll be friendable again. I just don't see it happening.

Maybe it's better this way. I'll disappoint fewer people.

I don't think my inner 12 year old will ever grow up and move out.