Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Curiouser and curiouser

I'm broken. And breaking.

And lost and alone.

I'm hurt and hurting.

My inner 12 year old has come out and fucked me up good.

I'm pretty certain now that I'm unfriendable. I've just shoved away one of my last two friends. Didn't take much. A simple email. No more than 2 sentences. Five years of friendship: poof!

I'm apparently good at losing best girl friends.

Dierdre. Poof!
Anna. Poof!
Patricia. Poof!
Sherry. Poof!
Nancy I pushed away because that was all kinds of messed up.
Christine. Poof!
Kathleen. Poof!
Heather. Poof!
Now Misty. (Updated to add: Or maybe not.)

I'm so amazing!

I'm fucked up. I think fucked up thoughts and do fucked up things. I'm barely hanging on from day to day. Right now I'm hoping the sleep test I'm going in for on Wednesday will have answers. Maybe I can stop being crazy if I can get more sleep. Or maybe crazy is just part of who I am. I can't seem to make new friends. I talk too much. I talk too little. I'm always too late. I have twins.

No one gets it. No one gets me. I'm not interesting enough. I'm not mainstream enough.

I can't write. I can't take pictures. I can barely parent.

I'm certain no one wants to be friends with me, so I'm not very surprised when they stop calling or writing. I feel like I'm chasing them down and asking them to play with me and then I stop doing it and then there's this big silence. No one calls. They're not going to. I can't make myself call because how many times can I ask the same question? When do you want to get together? When can we get together? When would you like to get together? Everyone always has to "check their calendars" and "get back to me". It's that second part that seems to slide and slide and slide.

I shouldn't be allowed near communication devices during the lowest parts of my days.

I shouldn't write about it.

No one actually cares.

Maybe one day I'll be friendable again. I just don't see it happening.

Maybe it's better this way. I'll disappoint fewer people.

I don't think my inner 12 year old will ever grow up and move out.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow, that was heartbreaking to read and hit home for me also.
I hope you feel better soon, your kids are adorable :)
Donna, (lurker!)

Woman with a Hatchet said...

Hey Donna, thanks for dropping by. I'm sorry if you, too, are going through something similar. This sucks. I don't want to be a grown up anymore.

slow panic said...

ok. i am you and you are me. good grief. i feel the same way about making friends. i don't know how and i'm no good at it.

i was bad at it as a kid, i was bad at it in high school/college and now it's worse.

i feel like i'm trying to date people when i try and hang out. and then i find out i just don't connect. or know how to do it or anything.

i loved this post -- that you were so honest --NOT that you are hurting and struggling. honestly, i recognized myself. you are not alone.

Woman with a Hatchet said...

Hey there SP. Yeah, making friends as an adult sucks and it is TOTALLY like trying to date people! Do you hit it off? What happens when you like the parent but not the kid? Or vice versa?

It was a lot easier when you could just walk up and ask directly, "Hey! Do you want to play with me?"

Heather L. said...

Tracy, we've met once upon a time when the twins were small and I only had two kids. I'm cranky, busy, messy, and tired, but I'd love to make a new friend. Want to come over and drink wine while the kids play and complain about our lives and figure out how to get out of our hell holes of depression?

Missy said...

I think you need to take a road trip to Topeka to hang with Val and I and join our most fabulous Ann Margaret Fight Club. Good times are a guarantee.

Woman with a Hatchet said...

Hey Heather, remind me where we met? I've got twin induced memory loss!

Missy: I'd love to come out. Let me see what we can do with road tripping this summer with Eric. I'm not safe on a long drive alone. Seriously, I fall asleep WHILE driving.

Heather L. said...

Tracy, you came to a Cherished Children meeting in Boulder and I was one of the leaders at the time. At the time I had Julia and Mason at home and now I have Clara and Emerson, too. A further connection is that I'm am Sierra's former cousin-in-law!

Kasi S. said...

Hi hun,
I know just how you feel. It will be OK - you will pull through. Just keep at it.
*BIG HUGS*
If you would like, I'd be happy to trade emails and be "pen pals." Sounds like you could use someone to talk to one on one.
Much to you, you fantastic being of light!

ellen said...

I've always enjoyed your company when I've had the chance to see you and I think you are incredibly talented. I like your voice when you write, the amazing photos you take, and I truly envy your mad baking and gardening skills.

None of us really have it together.You're right though, it is difficult to make new fiends as an adult. I guess if it's like dating, you just have to keep putting yourself out there.

Sending you lots of love from way out here in Jersey.

Missy said...

Would LOVE to meet up with you if you are up for and able to do a road trip sometime.

I hear you on having to have company. I would never make it. I am much like a baby in the car, sleep moments after we start.

驚訝 said...

人逢順境不逞強,身處逆境不示弱。.........................

alessa said...

OUCH! That's sounds familiar!

Hey, know just how you feel. Most of my friends are at least 5, 8, or in your case, infrequent the calls/visits, 2-3 days away.

Once the twins are in school, maybe you'll come out of your shell. But, seriously, call me if you need to bitch. You have my number. I'll start calling you more often, eh? Just for a quickie chat?

BIG BIG BIG HUGS! And

alessa said...

oops, that's 5-8 hours!

Sara said...

look again at my posts to you from last year. you have PPD. please seek professional help.

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