Monday, January 22, 2007

Apocalypse dreamin'

I had a really bad dream tonight. So bad, that I'm wide awake and can't sleep anymore. So bad that I had to make myself fully wake up to get away from it.

Not so bad that while it was happening I didn't know it wasn't real and started my whole horrible bad dream breathing sequence. The crazy loud breathing, sitting up straight in bed, heart racing at 100 mph. In order to get it out of my head, I'm going to share it with you.

You're welcome!

The three of us - Eric, Caitlin and I - are somewhere. Not home. Vegas? Beach? Island? Somewhere distinctly not here. We start out inside a building and we're trying to leave but we keep on One Last Thing-ing and I can feel myself getting more and more anxious.

Note: Just so you know, any dream where we are all actually ourselves is usually a bad sign in my dreams. Good dreams don't have both C and E, it might be one or the other or good dreams will star me, but I won't be the me that I know and usually C & E aren't in it. Can't swashbuckle with a husband and kid, you know!

We clearly have to leave here and are in a hurry. There's the usual whining, I think, but there's nothing memorable about it in the dream. We get in the car, but it's not my car. There are no seatbelts for Eric and I. Caitlin is strapped into it in some way. Is Eric standing? Is it see-through?

Not Safe! Not safe! The back of my brain is screaming at me.

We're trying to get away, but where to? From what? Why are there no other people around? Suddenly, we're separated from Caitlin. I think there are more people around. My brain backfills my reality. We're farther down the...beach? Space. Something. I'm yelling at her to hang on and I'm trying to wrap my hands around something. (I suspect I was winding my hands into the bedsheets at this point.) Something to hold on to, to stay near her, but I haven't got a seatbelt. I haven't got anything to secure myself to and can't see the thing I'm trying to secure myself from.

Suddenly my view is from a long way away, not immediate first person view and I see the tsunami coming. It's gut clenching. Big. Bigger than anything. God. Overwhelming. It's going to take everything. We're going to die.

I'm screaming like a mad woman, yet I know at this point that I'm sleeping. That there is no wave and that I'm OK, but the images won't stop. We're no longer near Caitlin. I can see her just for a moment and then she is swept away and shoved towards our position by a million tons of water. I'm desperate for her to remember how to swim. That something from all of those lessons will have stuck. That I will see a small head pop up out of the water and that she'll be OK.

I can't bear it anymore. I can't stand it. I can't face the logical resolution to seeing Caitlin swept away and knowing that the wave is coming for Eric and I next. Bad enough to lose her. The worst of my nightmares, but to also see him taken as well? I need to wake up before I start weeping/screaming.

I will myself to Wake The Fuck UP! It's just a dream. You know it's just a dream! Stop it!

I can feel my own hands gripping my chest and the blankets. I hear my breathing get louder and faster, but I don't want to wake Eric up, so I try to calm myself down. I think I need to eat something when I wake up. Should I have cereal? Is that the cat? I want to pet the cat. Am I awake yet? What time is it?

I'm up. I'm shaky, but I'm up. Must get dream out of my head before I shake Eric awake for reassurance or go clutching at the sleeping Caitlin out of fear. The cats don't know anything about my dream, but they're glad I'm awake. This means they can eat early this morning. Yay! They pad down the hall in front of me on tiny, silent kitty feet. They keep looking over their shoulders to make sure I get their drift. Food! Food, right? This way! Come on!


Nothing like a little terror with your morning, is there? Nothing like a little take my child away/kill my child/fear of drowning/death dream! Yay!


Boy is Eric going to be confused when he sees the sticky note on his computer that says:

I love you.
Please don't die.
Yes, it was a VERY bad dream.

So how was your night? What's your worst nightmare?


Scylla said...

That was fun!

Actually, I had a very similar nightmare several weeks ago, I was at the beach, hugely pregnant, with Marlena, who cannot yet swim. All of my friends and their children were playing by the water when a huge wave hit them all.

However, in my dream the wave pushed Marlena straight into me and she and I began to run, akwardly, through deep water towards higher ground.

Of course, there was no higher ground, and None of my friends could find their children, and I couldn't walk fast enough. She kept slipping in my grasp, and I kept struggling to hold her. Eventually I realized that I was going to die, along with the baby and Marlena.

At that point I woke up and played WoW for an hour to two before going back to bed.

I wonder if there is a psychological component to the tsunami dreams. My therapist used to tell me that my endless Zombie attack dreams were an expression of my fear of being unable to stop senseless harm from coming to my daughter, maybe this is the same thing. Some unstoppable force of nature that we can't protect our children from.


Hugging you. A lot.

screamish said...

Hey cool, I used to have tsunami dreams when I was younger, and nuclear bomb dreams too..thought I was just wierd....

Woman with a Hatchet said...

I'm definitely weird!

Caitlin said...

My worst nightmare, mom? Probably the same as yours besides the fact that it was in my perspective and I ended up getting smacked in the face with a GIANT WAVE then drowning. I. Really. Hated. Swimming. Stupid dream! I love you, mommy.

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