Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Poof

What's up with this weather? Why do rainy days make me feel so sad?

Images like this don't really help either:

I miss my mom.


I miss my dad.

I miss my Caitlin.

It breaks my heart to know that he doesn't remember us kids anymore if we're not right there in the room with him. Mom said that he really likes Caitlin and kept telling mom how beautiful and smart she was and then Caitlin faded from his memory like a mirage, right after she left. His very first grandchild.

Poof.

Just like that, she's gone.

I'm gone. He doesn't remember Eric or Matt, Dawn's new husband, at all. It's as if we're all ghosts drifting up out of the mists: we float into view and then away again. I don't know how much he remembers about me when I talk to him on the phone because he doesn't stay on for long and he talks a pretty good game, never getting into specifics.

Rainy days are hard for me. I dwell on sad thoughts. I'm a dweller.

Hopefully in the morning this melancholy will be gone, not unlike my dad's memory.

9 comments:

Madge said...

I hope you are feeling better today. I haven't had to go through this, but I've seen friends go through it and it is so hard... I have no other words, except to send you hugs...

Suburban Correspondent said...

It hurts. It's like the sound of one hand clapping...

IanB said...

Dad remembers plenty at times, its just that a huge portion of his memories are getting harder and harder for him to access most of the time.

As for only getting a couple minutes on the phone with him at a time, I've been dealing with the same thing for quite a long time know.

I would recommend keeping your conversations with him limited to you and him, as its is a lot easier for him to concentrate on one person at a time. Your conversations with him will be longer, too.

And if you want to include other people in your conversation with dad, just make sure you include their title "My husband Eric, and my oldest daughter Caitlin" will work better than Eric and Caitlin, because then he has to try to dig up the memories of who Eric and Caitlin are.

Once he gets flustered by having to access a memory that is out of reach, he won't stay on the phone much longer.

Ian.

Cindy said...

Good post Ian.
And Tracy Dad doesn't stay on the phone for more then a few minutes w/ ever one, me included, so don't take it personal, you have to remember as hard as it is for us it's a million times worse for him, this is not how he wanted his years to go.
Big hugs!

Yvonne Montgomery said...

Sympathy & hugs, Tracy. It's hard, hard.

Red Flashlight said...

When can we see you?

Ed said...

I know how hard this is, my grandfather had Alzheimer's. He's still in there, it's just harder for him to come out. Ian's advice is is very good, and you need a lot of patience. I remember many times when my dad would get very upset & cry when his father couldn't recognize him. Sometimes he would wake up and think he was back in Poland, and wouldn't recognize anyone but my grandmother.

It's tough, but remember, he's still there.

Jennifer H said...

Aw honey. I'm sorry that it's like this for you and your family. My grandfather had dementia, so I know a little bit about how this feels. More so, I imagine, when it's your own parent. Sending hugs. xoxo

Monica said...

I'm really sorry about your Dad. What I've taken from my own Dad's dementia is, try to appreciate him for who he is now rather than who he isn't.

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