Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Zombie Me

You know how you feel when you have to nurse someone at 12 midnight and then again at 3 am and then awaken to hysterical screaming by someone with a bloody nose who won't stay hydrated properly during the day at 5:30 am? You feel like a bloody zombie, that's what.

One of my favorite songs by No More Kings. This isn't their official video (couldn't find one), but it's pretty cute.

Then, when I have a few moments to myself, in my zombie state I sit around and read The Internet. I'm tired, I should go have a nap. Nope, let me just finish this article. Wait, one more email! Ooh, what about my favorite comics? Gotta have time for Lolcats! Next thing you know, the twins are awake again and it's back in the grinder for me.

When I snap out of my zombiefied state for a bit and have a shower, all of the thoughts I was avoiding come in to pummel me. Can I really do this farming thing? Where am I going to get start up money from? How am I supposed to learn about irrigation and crop rotation, succession planting and marketing without spending a lot of money learning it the hard way? I can't afford to work 12-16 hour days! I have 3 young children and a husband that expects to see me on a regular basis! Hell, I quit my last job working for The Man right before they outsourced 85% of my organization to India and I was "only" working 10 hour days then.

How do you know it's Opportunity knocking on your door and not A Really Bad Idea?

How are you supposed to recognize that This might just be IT! The Dream. The Job. The Career you've been wanting/waiting for?

How do you deal with the terror of the unknown and the sinking feeling that maybe this isn't such a good idea?

::Yeah, yeah, yeah, you love to grow plants. So the eff-ing what?! Who cares! Can you make a living at it? Will it take a pile of money to start up (Uhhh, yeah. Like $20-30K.)? Where are you gonna get that money from? A loan?! Based on what as collateral? Your house? You're going to bet your house on your ability to make plants grow?!::

Oh man!

But wait! What if I don't do this? What will I do instead? Slog along being a SAHM and take pretty pictures of my kids on occasion and wonder about What Could Have Been? Am I supposed to wait for that uncertain time in the far off future where all of the stars will align properly (Children grown up, lots of cash on hand, free time, plenty of sleep and energy and a good idea.) and then jump in and do Something Cool?

Right now I feel like I've got a Great Idea and a friend with lots of land and enthusiasm. I don't have money, or time, or childcare, or experience farming on a large scale. I have fear and uncertainty and a messy house; the ability to take a pretty picture, possibly write a little (I don't claim to be a Writer. What the hell do you do with semicolons, anyway?!), grow a few veggies and flowers and a passion for plants. And cooking. Oh and 3 kids, 2 cats, a husband and a yard that is never neat and tidy, yet has a lot of wild charm to it. Where's my cheerleader? Where's my Venture Capitalist with bags full of money?

How do you put your fears and skills together and make a business?

How do you grow up and make a job that you want to have?

How do you recognize that Knock on the door?

I don't have a peephole.


ellen said...

If you have a dream of what you want to do and you don't do it because of fear of the unknown, will you regret it?

Woman with a Hatchet said...

And THAT is exactly the question. Will I regret it more if I don't than if I do?

I suspect the answer is Yes.

elisava said...

as someone who always advocates doing something one will regret to not doing something one regret... i would say YES, go for it.

but i am depressingly practical, and all signs point to now not starting a new business. it looks like things may not turn upward for at least a year or two under the BEST of circumstances. you have three beautiful children and a wonderful home. maybe it is your time to rejoice in this. garden when you can, school when you can, love everyday.

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