Wednesday, March 25, 2009

An open letter to the TSA

Warning: if you are easily offended by harsh language or verbal attacks on authority, skip this entry. Go check out ICanHasCheezburger. Yay! Kitties!

So, clearly we've returned from our Big Adventure (aka going to my sister Dawn's wedding), during which the twins went on their first train ride, bus ride and airplane ride, right in a row. They also got their first taste of Airport Security.

Let me take this opportunity to give a great big


to the TSA!

Yes, I was the woman with the twin 18 month olds that you watched struggle through the line and caused at least a 10 minute pile up at DIA and again in the JFK airport. Why? Because when all 5 of us travel, that's a lot of gear.
  1. Three carry-on bags.
  2. Three children (Two screaming, one whining.).
  3. Five coats.
  4. Two umbrella strollers.
  5. Two blankets.
  6. Two stuffed cats.
  7. Five pairs of shoes that you made us remove because God help us! if the twins should pass through security without taking off their shoes, they might possibly blow up an airplane. Or two. They're small and fast. You should see them get around when they're motivated!
Nothing makes a long distance trip by air travel complete without a ridiculous excuse to ramp up the waiting-in-line portion of your trip with stupid "security" rules!

Tell me exactly HOW does it make anyone feel more secure that we have to take our shoes off? Hmm?! One guy once made a failed attempt at packing some explosives and instead of investing in technology to make the airport security slicker, faster and smarter, your way to compensate for a one time event is to make everyone take off their shoes and have to check their bags (Don't even get me started on the liquid restrictions, you motherfuckers! That was also a failed attempt and it was determined that it never would have worked!) and walk through a metal detector.

Wait? What?!

This is the 21st fucking century! Figure this shit OUT!

And let's talk about the security level warning meter, shall we?

Turn that shit off.

No one cares about it anymore. No one pays any attention to the meters posted here and there telling us to be afraid in Orange! today. What the hell does that mean?! No one knows anymore and no one cares. The Administration of Fear is out of office, in case you hadn't noticed, let's clean that crap up.

In case you were wondering, holding a screaming twin in either arm, while having to take away their shoes and their comforting blankets is a complete waste of my time, yours and all the other people waiting in line behind us. No one is made safer by these rules. Three ounces of liquid? Shoe removal?

Oh and the fact that the wealthy/business travels can skip the ridiculous levels of security by buying a smart card or whatever you call it? That's just all kinds of wrong.

Since when is a government agency allowed to discriminate based on wealth?

Oh, that's right! Since always.

Let's just wonder, collectively, just how much all of these rules have cost the country by people deciding to not travel by air, shall we? Because I know this much: I won't be getting on a plane again anytime soon unless somebody dies.

So much for my tourist dollars! They'll just stay right here with me and within driving distance of my home.


Jennifer H said...

Oh my god, I you freaking rock. (But I'm guessing I could use the REAL F word here today!!)

I clicked on the post in my reader, thinking I'd see, and almost smell, something baking or growing, or the twins grinning back. But this is awesome in a whole other way.

As much as I would love to go somewhere, I dread traveling by plane these days. I haven't flown in (wow) almost 4 years. Not looking forward to this part of it, AT ALL. And honestly, I hope to god I won't have the kids with me.

It's ridiculous, the security measures. Not practical at all. And WTF, with some people breezing right through??

screamish said...


hate that powerless airport security feeling.

Im frightened now, if I fly to Australia I'll have to go thru this with Australian customs, who have morphed into the most arrogant power trippers since you know who sent the tanks to Iraq.

I was worried about how the twins would sit still for a flight..forgot about the customs and security hell.

screamish said...

yeah WHAT is this story about business/first class not having to do this????

Scott said...

All I'm saying is let's be glad the 'shoe bomber' didn't put his 'bomb' in his underwear..

ellen said...

Amen, sister!

Danook said...

Did you send any feedback to TSA, or do you feel better for having vented on your blog?

Ali said...

And you didn't even get to see me. That's the true crime.

alessa said...

I'm speechless with awe...

Woman with a Hatchet said...

Dan: excellent point. Thanks for the link. While I DO feel better after ranting on the blog, I WILL send them an angry letter. Unfortunately, I don't think it will make any difference. Now if we got THOUSANDS of folks to send in letters to the new administration...then something might happen!

Screamish: there's this card you can buy, after providing the gov't personal info. It gets you a shorter line and you get to skip pat downs entirely. Here's a link.


Ali: I'm terribly sad about that. You'll need to come out to CO now. : ) Cuz I AIN'T gettin' on a plane again!

Alessa: it's cuz I hardly ever curse on the blog, isn't it? I've exploded your eyeballs. Sorry! : )

Grit said...

and this was the best rant i've read all day. respect.

Ed said...

Don't get me started about securtiy at the airport. I used to travel a lot for my last job. What makes the incompetence
worse is that they do not follow the same rules in all the airports, and the TSA staff don't read the TSA directives, they just do what they did yesterday.

Do you want to know the best way to get through? "Forget" your ID. Tell them you forgot it at home, and they whisk you over to the fast lane for the "super special" treatment. You get through a hell of a lot quicker. They might find your ID when you're there, but you've already bypassed the lines. With 3 kids in tow, they'll never suspect a thing.

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