Moving Forward

In case you're wondering what I've been up to all summer, I was off taking a few pictures of hummingbirds,

families other than my own,

and those monkeys of mine.

And thinking.

The twins are going to be in kindergarten this fall. Well, technically in August since we're in Colorado and we like sending our children into schools without air-conditioning when it's 106 degrees outside. (No joke - it's been incredibly hot this summer, with very little rain and the schools don't have A/C. Here's hoping they won't roast!) Clearly, I need to come up with a plan. What am I going to do with myself once the twins are in school full time? Other than run around, jump for joy and have a celebratory breakfast the day we drop them off?

I think I've been stuck on hover-mode recently.

Neither moving forward, nor backward. Stuck somewhere in the middle. I am not certain if I should go back to school or just get some job somewhere or the other to just make some cash. School clothes don't buy themselves, after all. If I do go back to school, what am I going for? What do I want to do? The age old question of "What do I want to be when I grow up?" is stuck reverberating around in my head. Again.

---- 

In the time it took me to get back to this post, all three children are well started into the school year. The twins are some of the youngest in their class, since they made the cut-off by three days this wasn't a big surprise to me. The fact that there are only 3 other kids right around their age did surprise me. Caitlin, our middle schooler, is having a great time. She now has to ride her bike ever-so-slightly downhill all the way to school and has done it willingly, compared to being completely unwilling to ride all the way uphill to elementary school. In her defense, it's a pretty hefty hill going up, but meh! She's OK now. Also, we're trying to turn her into Sporty Spice by signing her up for all manner of 4 and 6 week sports classes.

It's pretty amazing, actually. She leaves just after 8 am and doesn't get home until 5 pm. So far she's tried out volleyball, but that ends this week and then next week it's tennis! We're going to keep on throwing different sport "opportunities" at her until one sticks, dang it! We're also looking at signing her back up in skating lessons, since she really seemed to like those. The twins have also expressed an interest in learning how to skate after watching Caitlin do a performance, so that will be something new this fall.

All of this change is pretty exciting, actually.

The twins have scooter bikes without pedals that they were kind of iffy about, but over the course of the summer they've really taken to them. Now that they're in school, we have them ride their bikes home every day. They're at the point where they're able to glide and balance, so it's just a matter of time (Possibly even this weekend.) before we try them out on pedal bikes! They are loving being in kindergarten, love their teacher and classmates and are really enjoying the whole going to school process. I love all of the quiet that comes after dropping them off. I feel like I am regaining braincells and can occasionally maintain an entire thought process for minutes at a time!

I immediately started on a painting project in the basement that I then turned into a construction project for Eric. I'm awesome that way, you see. The Diderot Effect. I has it. It's just that after I had pulled all of the stuff out of the library/ex-plant nursery/out-of-sight-room-filled-with-crap and painted the walls, the giant purple paint stain on the 10 year old carpet was really bothersome. Since I'm turning it into a library/guestroom in an effort to lure friends and family members out to come see me, it only makes sense to replace the carpet with nice, new laminate flooring. Eric grudgingly agreed, so now we're at the demolition stage. How quickly I can go from a "quick" paint job to full on remodel I'll never quite understand, but apparently that's how I roll.

After he's done and we've pulled the room back together again, I'll post some pictures. Unfortunately, I don't have true Before and After photos because I didn't take any pictures of just what it looked like before I had cleared it out prior to my friend Val's visit. Oh, it was an eyesore. Instead, I have pics of what it looked like before I painted and removed the 17 year old bookshelves out. It should be pretty spiff when I'm done. Also, the books will be alphabetized again. Pet peeve. Gah!

Somewhere in here I'll start to seriously think about my future. Perhaps there's a book waiting inside me quietly trying to make its way out. Perhaps there are photos that need capturing. I know my garden needs serious attention after I ignored it all summer. Those 100+ degree days weren't my idea of gardening weather, so there's a lot of weedy neglect happening. Also, the front and back yards need a little more plant editing. As the summer finally cools off, I'll be out there again, ripping and shredding and revamping my beds.

I just wish I had as clear a plan for my own future as I do for the assorted rooms in my house. Ah well. I guess I'll just wait for my brain and creativity to wake back up and then I'll see.

Yup. I'll see.

Bread for sale! (For a good cause, of course!)

Today, Caitlin's school is participating in the Great American Bake Sale for its 9th year and I made a few loaves of bread for the cause.

By "few", of course, I mean seven. Mainly because every bake sale needs the Crazy Bread Lady and I got to be that mom this year. A pair of whole wheat loaves, a pair of Vermont Sourdough and 3 loaves of Five-Grain Levain (Chock full of flaxseeds, coarse cornmeal, oats, millet and whole wheat. Yum!).

Then, this morning, Eric and Caitlin dropped off the wrapped and tagged loaves to Caitlin's school. The mom/teacher/woman-with-a-badge who PROBABLY wasn't going to steal the bread made appropriate oohing and ahhing noises and then asked if we "always ate like this"? But of course!

Daily dose of external validation achieved!

Why are we doing this? Well, according to the Share Our Strength website:

• 14.1 million children in America live in poverty. That’s 5.5% more than a year ago. (For a four-person family, that means getting by on less than $420 a week.)
• Nearly half (49.2%) of American children will receive SNAP (food stamp) benefits at some point in their life.
• The weak economy has put millions of previously secure American families at risk.
• Effective federal nutrition programs that provide nutritious food to families in need are still underutilized. 10 million eligible kids in this country are not receiving school breakfast. Only 1 of every 6 kids eligible for free summer meals actually gets them.  That means 16.3 million kids who qualify for these meals don’t get them.  Millions of Americans who are eligible for SNAP (food stamps) do not use the program.

We often hear about disasters and hunger in foreign lands, but seldom hear that we have these same problems a lot closer at hand. By participating in the bake sale, the Hatchet Family can help fight hunger right here in the States. Now I can bake and save lives. I'm a super hero!

At least for a day.

Spring Emergence

I feel like I'm breaking dormancy, much like my plants.

There's a lot going on.

My friend Val visited for 2 weeks and I haven't written about that. Eric and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary last week and I haven't written about that either. My dad turned 77 on Sunday and I have a post percolating in my head about him, too. (Warning! Tear jerker post imminent!)

Instead, I've been buying succulent plants and potting them up. Taking the ones I grew last year and over wintered inside (The ones that survived! Ack! White fly!) and potting them up in new containers, planting out the cuttings I'd taken last year and grew on and potting those up. I'm currently on a succulent bender.

Since I didn't grow a single plant from seed this year, I had to buy my annual tomato plants. They're sitting in pots on the deck as we speak. The weather has been too cold at night to put them into the raised beds...yet. I'm looking forward to getting the veggie garden started again. I even bought a few bell peppers and some strawberry plants and am going to try raising the strawberries in my giant pots on my deck instead of in the ground, where they will attempt to take over the garden. Again. Next up: putting a hardware cloth cylinder around each pot to keep the squirrels from absconding with my hard won strawberries!

I've been doing a little weeding. When I felt overwhelmed by all of the weeding I still needed to do, I took a break and cleaned up the deck. It collects a lot of dead leaves that blow in from the trees and assorted dead plant bits from my potting and repotting. We've even managed to eat a few meals out there already! I made a point of clearing the table off so that we could. The weather has finally started warming up, although it's been really windy the last couple of days.

I picked up 2 new bird feeders and actually filled them and set them out. I cleaned out the deck birdbath and filled that too. Then, when I heard the distinct sound of a hummingbird whizzing by, I immediately set up a sugar water feeder and set it out as well. I still haven't seen any, but at least I heard one and responded accordingly. I may wrap the feeder in red ribbon to make it more obvious to scouting hummers.

I was looking at the front xeric garden and noticing a lot of dead zones and determined that the sprinkler heads are messing up the watering pattern. Those may be xeric plants but they do like some water occasionally. I'll need to get Eric out there to replace some heads. I also plan on digging out the grass that is determined to grow in the middle of the bed and relocate some plants around the space. It's a ridiculous amount of work, but right now, the bed looks pretty hellish. Poor plants! That's what happens when Hatchet goes bye-bye for ~2 years. Ugh.

Today, I was determined to fill in the bed under the cherry tree some more, so I weeded it a bunch and then relocated some bleeding hearts from the backyard. They weren't looking too happy in the back there, so hopefully a change of scene will perk them up. Also, being sprayed with herbicide by the lawn guy didn't help them any!

Yeah, I decided to bite the bullet and hire an actual lawn guy. Eric's just not into gardening (or lawns) at all, so someone has to do the work I'm never going to get to. Also, after chatting with him for a bit, it turns out he can do paths and such, so I'm having him rip up the north side of the house, cap off the sprinkler heads in there and turn it into a work zone for me. Crushed gravel under foot, a small gate to keep out the crazy short people and a place to put all of my tools, wheelbarrows, potting bench and supplies! Suddenly the deck will stop looking quite so messy with the bench relocated.

You might be wondering where all of this crazed energy came from. Well, I finally saw my doc and got a blood draw that proved my thyroid was out of whack again and my vitamin D was really low. Surprise! (Yeah, you're so not surprised.) I'm also trying out vitamin Z, for a little while. It seems to be helping. The sunlight is definitely helping and I'm really starting to feel more like myself again.

Now if I can just keep the twins out of trouble while they're in the yard with me, I can get some real gardening done!

There might be be photos!

What have you been up to?

Domestic Bliss

We're back!


We ran off to Canada to have turkey with my parents, kid sister and her family last week. Now I have a bunch of photos to edit before I can really write anything significant about it other than this: I had a great time. As did all of the kids. Four adults, five children, one house. Everyone got along fantastically well except for the occasional scrabbling over toys. Enh. Kids.

Regarding domestic bliss...well, mostly I feel like I'd be most blissful if I could outsource all of the cleaning, cooking, diaper changing, baby wrangling, bill paying and a large amount of the tedious gardening, but when Emma fell asleep on the couch this afternoon I decided on a new definition.

Sleeping babies = domestic bliss.


A lot of it has to do with the fact that once they're asleep, the house becomes very quiet and peaceful, but watching them sleep is so very sweet that I really can't imagine life without them.

So...yeah.

I still struggle with the tedious amounts of work it takes to raise children and keep a house (Where's my Rosie The Robot?!), but there are silver linings in the shape of the people that love me.

Seventeen Months

Duet in Twin Minor.

I know, I know. I'm late on the monthly twin post! I'll make it up in photos, I promise.

Lots of changes, some big and some small. Logan continues to be musically inclined.

"Doe! A deer! A female deer!"

He continues to inhale food, depending on his mood. He really really likes fresh bread.

Logan gives rye bread his seal of approval.

Unfortunately, he continues to be difficult to put down on the floor. Is it the crumbs? Those are your own fault, buddy!

"Ehn!" A facial expression and a sound I see and hear way too often.

Emma has also been taking up the Never Put Me Down song of suffering as well. I tried to photograph her distraught face for you but she moved, instead you have a sweet bread chewing face.

How can you look at a face this sweet and want to put me down?!

The twins are very interested in books and reading and will sometimes allow you to actually read to them. Sometimes. Other times they just pull the book out of your hand and wander off with it, "read" it to themselves, switch it for the other twin's book or hand it to the other parent for reading. You never know. Many thanks to Heather for the new pile of books!

"Hmm...bahhh-deee book. Babies!"

Emma and Logan have been turning into chipmunks recently around snack time. They fill their cheek pouches full of food and hold food there unless you make them a better offer.

Don't make them a better offer. They'll just spit out what's currently in there to get to your new offering.

Food and books! Double yum!

They've been really interested in trying to feed themselves which is...um...kind of nice? Mostly it makes me insane if there's oatmeal involved. Goo everywhere! Aiiieee! They do pretty well with forks, if we're having pasta. You can never give just one a fork or spoon, though. Don't even think it.

Emma likes full service dining, while Logan is engaging in self-serve in the background.

I noticed the other day that Emma is finally cutting more teeth (Top pair on either side of her front teeth.). I think Logan may be as well, but he didn't let me pry his jaws open and take a look around. I don't know if that's why they seem more clingy or if that's just my imagination, but it's possible that teething very slowly still hurts, just over a longer time period.

[The rest of the photos are from our last trip into the mountains. The trip that convinced us that we're flying to NYC for my sister's wedding. Five hours in the car was too much.]

Photographic evidence that I still exist.

The twins have been getting into a lot of stuff recently. Emma is becoming more and more monkey-like - I caught her on top of the toy oven that Aunt Jenni bought Caitlin when she was three. She has figured out how to climb into and out of most chairs, but the sofa still seems beyond her grasp. Logan is not far behind. He just figured out how to get in and out of Caitlin's bathtub by himself. Clearly another reason we keep that door shut when they're awake.

Logan has also discovered that he can lift the toilet seat up. Oh and look! Water to splash in! Whee!

Aiiee!

Eric pointed out something interesting earlier today: we're at one of the most stressful points of baby-hood. They are fully mobile without the ability to fully communicate and are not potty trained. So we get a lot of the Ehn! face pictured above and screaming. While the twins are clearly demonstrating they have wants they aren't clear on just what it is that they want. Mostly they want to be held every single minute of the day.

Argh!

Logan repeats an iconic shot from Eric's childhood with Grampy's headphones.

One change that has happened slowly that Eric just pointed out today is that Logan no longer screams like you're killing him when you change his diaper. He still will try to roll over and escape, but he doesn't deafen you as he does it. Perhaps he's finally figured out that clean butt = happy butt?

Reading with Grampy. Logan was attached to Grampy at all times during this visit.

Emma is definitely ahead of Logan on picking up speech. Today, after finishing off frozen blueberries, Logan came to me and indicated that he wanted more. I gave him the sign for "all done" and then offered him canned peaches that Heather had made. When I pulled the jar out, the twins both got excited and Emma started saying "Pee! Pee!". We had to work on that and Eric and I kept prompting her to say peeee-chhh. Pretty soon, she was saying it! Logan was too busy stuffing his cheeks to care.

Grammy was jealous of all of the Logan/Grampy photos and wanted photographic proof that she held Logan at least once while we were visiting.

Logan is big into dancing. I wish I had a photo of that, but it's just a blurry shot of him with his cheeks full of food and a weird facial expression. Then again, boys often look funny while dancing....

He loves to dance and will start dancing as soon as he hears music. He indicates he wants music by Ehn!-ing at the CD player to get us to turn it on. He and Emma then will dance around the room with Caitlin and grin from ear to ear. They also like climbing into the empty tub and dancing there, too.

Don't ask why. I don't know.

Rest assured, however, that it's cute.

Emma and Aunt Jenni reading.

Here's something Logan learned away from home:

Boozin' it up with Grampy.

That little lush!

By the way, my son has now officially had more beer in his lifetime than I have had in mine.

I'm so not making that up.

Upon listening to everyone's winter blues advice (Get out of the house! Take vitamins! Get more sun!) we've been out for walks with the twins (and Caitlin when she's home) and we've gone to the park. The twins have discovered they love the slide and both said "Whee!" at the end of the run. They also liked the swings, although Emma needed a second try before she started "Whee!"-ing.

Emma also liked the chance to climb all over stuff and not get in trouble. She went right up the side of a plastic climby bit, but then couldn't make it onto the platform. They also liked the lop-sided spinny egg cup thingy, but I didn't. I haven't been that dizzy in ages and it made me frankly nauseous. Bleah!

I have to tell you, though, that trying to keep both of them in view or on a piece of equipment is almost impossible for one person. I could put one twin on the slide, but then the other would wander off. Fortunately Eric was with me, but Caitlin also needed attention, stretching our attention. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this on my own should the occasion arise.

It's been a hard winter for me, emotionally, as I've mentioned before. I do feel a bit better since getting outside more, even if it's just for a little while and taking my vitamins again. It's funny how you never really think about needing sunlight, but you really do.

The twins remain terribly, terribly cute. They're getting bigger every day (Although Emma is now obviously taller than Logan by at least two inches.) and funnier. They like giving kisses now, instead of just blowing them and will lean over and kiss one another while they're supposed to be nursing (Yes, we're still nursing. It's going pretty well, actually, and no one is more amazed than I am that we're still nursing.) as well as beeping the other's nose.

Or mine.

Or giving me kisses.

They often point out babies when we're in public. Seeing their own reflection in glass or metal or mirror is enough to get the cry of "Baby!" going from either of them. They will also point to the other twin and yell "Baby!", but never refer to the other as Emma or Logan, just baby. Funny, that.

When tired, they will lay their weary heads down on your shoulder in such a way that your heart can't help but melt. They will sign when they're tired most of the time and will curl up with their blankets for naps. Unless they're overtired in which case, their cribs are lava and you are evil, horrible and terrible for putting them down for a nap. How could you possibly think they were tir--

Thud!

The screaming of overtired babies is the hardest part to live through. It sets my teeth on edge and makes me feel crazy. Bedtime is often the worst time of day around here. We've been trying to get them to bed earlier so that Eric and I can eat dinner with Caitlin without screamy babies sitting in our laps.

We dream of the day when we can eat our own meals without anyone else sitting on our laps.

One day....

So if you ever want to visit during dinner, be prepared to share your seat and your plate with someone small wearing footie PJs.

It's OK, they say they'll share their juice with you.

On that note, my friends, seventeen months! Can you believe it?!

Waiting for winter to end.

So small and yet so big.

How do they do that?!

Growing Challenge: Zucchini!

The first zucchini is a marvelous thing.

The 50th zucchini is less marvelous. Let us currently rejoice in the first zucchini!

Caitlin and the First Zucchini

Please note that shortly after this image was taken (Tuesday), the zuke was chopped, sauteed in garlic and butter, dressed in minced basil and gratefully eaten by all except for the grinning child you see before you. Proud to have the zuke, proud to hold it, reluctant to eat it. What the heck?!

It was gooood.

Also in the garden, squash plants scrambling everywhere!

Squash abounds.

Acorn squash with flower.

Peek-a-boo spaghetti squash.

I'm looking forward to watching these scrambling vines attempt to take over the world. I'm attempting to redirect them into the pathway and wondering why I planted them in this bed instead of in the other bed that has more room to trail.

Next year...next year!

On the tomato front, we have this:

Wall to wall tomato plants!

Giant beast plants. Let me tell you this, so that you won't make the same mistake: tie your tomatoes! This is what happens when you let them get away from you. They go completely nuts, grow into one another and thwart your efforts to tie them up the 8' tall stakes you put in place for just this very reason! I've been out there on assorted occasions, trimming them back here and there, nipping out the new growth in the crotches (Ooh, that sounds bad, doesn't it?), tying them up and reveling in the massive number of tomatoes visible.

You realize that I'll be playing Hunt for Ripe Tomatoes well into the fall, don't you? There are tomatoes growing in between the plants where I probably can't reach. Ack! I have two rows of tomato plants there! Plus the tomatoes are overwhelming the bell pepper plants planted on the aisle side.

Oh it's gonna be fun to harvest in there! Next year...!

By the way, did I tell you that I have two volunteer tomato plants growing in pots on my deck? Yeah. I've no idea what variety they are (Although I'm willing to guess that one of them is possibly a 'Pop-In' from last year.), but I'll be eating them if they survive!

The easy to harvest Caspian Pink on the corner.

Candy's Old Yellow.

Snow White cherry tomato.

Every day I go out and check to see if anything is ripe. So far, no luck. (Actually...I nipped out there Wednesday (Wrote this on Tuesday) and found my first ripe tomato. It was a Snow White cherry tomato and it was gooooooood. I thought about sharing that one small tomato and then decided against it. I deserved the first tomato! Soon we'll be swimming in 'maters, but not right now.)

Soon!

This may be one of the few bells I get to try. The others are semi-smothered.

California Wonder bell pepper.

Tomatillos have launched their balloons by the hundreds. In each of these puffy sacks is a tiny green (And purple!) tomatillo. I keep thinking longingly of salsa.

Toma verde tomatillo.

The crazy mixed up bed. Where watermelons fight it out with butternut squash, French beans and Italian basil for supremacy. Who will win this epic battle?

Of course, around here we eat the winners. And the losers. It's good to be at the top of the food chain!

Bean, basil, butternut, melon.

You know, I never did thin out the basil. Seems to be OK so far! Come on tomatoes! I want to make a caprese salad!

Maybe I should make pesto while I wait?

I spy, with my little eye, a baby watermelon! Hopefully there's enough time left in the growing season to plump that sucker up and ripen it. Otherwise I think I'll be looking at some season extending gear.

Watermelon. Could be 'Sugar Baby'. It's a madhouse in there!

The potatoes are trying to hold on but they're being over run by everything else. Next year I'm going to put them into trash bins with holes drilles at the bottom and cover them with mulched leaves.

Next year...!

What have you been nibbling on in your garden?

A plan so cunning...

You could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Yes. I have a plan.

We have a plan.

Contrary to my previous entry that left you with the sneaking suspicion that I was sailing over the edge into Permanent Self Injury Land, I'm not that far gone. Just so you know I'm not that far gone: I still have a sense of humor left. It's when I lose all sense of humor that I know I'm in deep trouble. Ask Eric. During the worst times in my life that he has witnessed, I find nothing even remotely funny and trying to make me laugh just makes me mad. I know I'm going to be OK if I can laugh at myself or the situation. Just two days after making a concerted effort to get more sleep and I do, actually, feel better.

Not perfect, but better.

I recognize big, fat, red waving flags, even when they're in my own head. And then I act on them.

I have to type fast, since Logan just fell asleep so it's officially time to get some sleep and not stay up reading and cleaning. Or just reading and eating.

That being said, I had a big talk with Eric earlier while nursing Emma. The plan is to:

1. Get to bed early every night by about 9:30 pm or when my dinner is finished.
2. Try to tandem nurse again. Hopefully the double vomiting issue is finished now. Tandem nursing will hopefully mean time spent nursing is cut in half.
3. Accept any offers from those that want to come over and either hold babies while we clean or would like to bring/cook dinner. (Or offer cleaning services. Totally OK with that.) Right now our toughest times are from 4-8:30 pm which is dinner, twin cluster nursing, Caitlin homework time and getting boundary pushers to bed.
4. Get Caitlin's homework done on weekends and not weekdays. Caitlin has discovered that she can get Eric's complete and undivided attention by being, or pretending to be, completely miserable at math homework. I don't think it's her strongest subject, but I don't think it's actually this tough for her either.
5. Learn how to make dinner in the crockpot. Got any good recipes? I don't know any.

If you're wondering why See a Therapist isn't on the list, the answer is simple: money and insurance. Our insurance is Catastrophic only (at the moment) and wouldn't pay for anything, anyway. And since we currently have Out-Go and no Income, we can't afford it. I will have to reuse what I learned last time.

Ooh! Yes, there was a last time. That's when I had rockin' insurance and took advantage of it. Wasn't related to PPD, though.

As the weather warms up and there's more sunshine, I always feel better. I can get out more during the day and walk with the twins. Being physically active helped me a lot last time. I also have a lot of different personal goals related to building a business I love, which I didn't have last time. Making plants is a passion and one that makes me feel better all of the time. Just the smell of moist soil will lift my spirits.

I know, sounds weird, huh?

I am not going to hurt myself or those around me, even though I thought about it. Just so you know: I never touched the scissors. Also, since I have this ridiculously vivid imagination, I always follow those sorts of thoughts to their logical conclusion and never like the image of blood, hospitals and weeping husband and children left behind. There's no fantasy of how everything will be better if I'm dead or how everyone would just be better off if I didn't exist. It may very well be egotistical to say this, but the world would be a worse place without me in it.

Less scones, for instance. And who would photograph the children?!

I'm not going to do that to myself because I've got plans and because I am not going to tear my family apart.

My life has looked far worse at different points, so I can feel the difference in where I am now and where I was last time. I feel like I'm close to the hole, not actually in it, if you see depression as a large, dark hole in the ground.

This is me, seeing the hole and recognizing it and walking around and away from it.

These feelings are temporary.

This sleep deprivation is temporary.

This anger is temporary.

Caitlin is going through a phase.

The twins will eventually both sleep through the night.

I'm going to kick some plant selling ass at the Market this summer and I'm going to build a business I love with a friend I love.

And I am going to write and write and write about it.

2008 is going to be known as the Year of The Hatchet. Just you wait.

Choosing Mr. Right: Activism Against Gender Violence

Did you know that today is The International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women?

And that today is the start of the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence?

Me neither, but after a quick trip over to Feministe I know now! And you know what? I'm a woman. And I don't like violence against women, so I thought I'd say a little something about it. Maybe it will have a positive effect on someone out there or maybe not, but it's better than doing nothing which is guaranteed to have no effect. Hey...just like voting! Yes, I do harp on that issue a lot. Like I said before, I can make any conversation political because the personal is political.

So anyway...how do you go about choosing Mr. Right? Clearly it's no easy task when half of all marriages end in divorce and women around the globe are abused on a daily basis. So how do you choose wisely?

Personally, I think it goes back to the relationship your parents had while you were growing up and how you internalized those messages. I believe it's about self-respect issues and boundary issues. The choices you make and the friends you keep all have an impact on you. From watching my parents I learned what I didn't want as well as some things that I did want in my relationships.

While my mom was out taking care of me, we had some very interesting and surprising conversations. She surprised me when she said that she had told her own mother that she had decided she would never get married. She had her list: no gambling, no drinking, no abusing and no jealousy. However, in Jamaica, there are very few men that didn't gamble, drink, abuse, cheat and/or harbor intense jealousies. Some time after, my dad came along and everything changed luckily for all four of us kids. Growing up, from time to time, we'd have little conversations where she made it very clear to me that she'd never put up with hitting and neither should us girls. She also made it very clear to me that I shouldn't hit my boyfriends, even if we were kidding around since once you open that door it's hard to close. If it's OK for you to hit them, why shouldn't they be able to hit you in return? Especially if they're "just kidding". It's a short trip from playful hitting to serious hitting.

Later, as I went through my series of boyfriends, I found that I just wasn't attracted to certain types. When I had a boyfriend that hovered over me and followed me from room to room, I actually asked my mother to ask him to stop since he wasn't listening to me. The relationship ended soon after. Needy? Creepy? Misunderstood? I don't know, but I didn't need to date it.

I had a list as well: tall, dark hair, green eyes, smart, funny, witty, and with common sense. It never occurred to me that I should include the items on her list. As it turned out, tall, dark hair and green eyes got kicked to the curb when I met Eric, but smart, funny, witty and common sense he had in spades!

Things I had never verbalized became more important to me as we got serious: respect, partnership, communication, reliability, commitment and similar life values became very important. Deal breakers, even. The way we argued and handled our disagreements was a big issue for me. These were all very important and remain that way today. I needed an equal partner, not a little boy in a grown man's body that expected me to mother him.

I know that Caitlin is watching us and how we interact. I hope that she remembers it and chooses wisely. I hope that we're setting a good example for her and the twins and hope that it's possible to inoculate them against abusive relationships. I don't know if it is possible, but we're trying. We have those conversations where we talk about self-defense, self-respect and respect for others. We model the behaviors and attitudes we want them to internalize.

And we hope.

Sending Hope to the Tadpoles

Remember how I mentioned the kindness of strangers the other day? Well, here's an opportunity for you to be the strangers who can send love and strength to another stranger.

Awhile back, Hava dropped me a line about how she and her husband are having twins and how their reaction was much the same as ours: shock, tears, surprise and disbelief. It quickly turned to joy and anticipation. Just recently Hava has run into complications. Bad ones. She needs your strength, her twins need your strength and hopes and cheering on and prayers for safe delivery.

I hope it all turns out well. I hope she and her family are given the strength to make it through this part of their adventure and that the twins will be just fine when they make it out of the NICU. Her twins are 24 weeks old and need all the help they can get.

God speed, Tadpoles.

I feel lucky!

Eric and I were driving back from my doctor appointment today and were talking about Stuff That Happened When We Were Kids. Mainly how both of us managed to avoid permanent damage and how I completely avoided breaking anything. As did my siblings, which is amazing considering the fact that both my younger sister and brother were hit by cars. In separate incidents, yet, no broken bones.

I then regaled him with one of my most astounding feats.

You know the game you probably played at the park with your friends on the swings? The one where everyone swings as high as they can, then jumps off and lands as close to the fence/enclosure as they can? They who land closest win. Well I won. I won in such a way that no one ever beat me. Ever. Probably still haven't.

So there we were: Vinnie, Leon, Ricky (childhood heartthrob) and Stacy. Swingin' away. Everyone jumps off, one by one and lands somewhere between the rubberized surface and the 2' space of asphalt that the chain link fence is embedded in. My turn comes and I jump.

This is where my memory gets a little fuzzy.

I sail through the air, with the greatest of ease. I fly over the chain link fence and land sitting on the bench just on the other side of the fence. Not on my head on the asphalt surface. Not on my head on the stone and wooden, splintery green bench. Sitting. I was so astonished that I didn't know how to respond. I was stunned, winded, surprised, scared. exultant and laughing hysterically all at the same time. My friends all came running around the fence to make sure I was OK and so I was. I claimed the Swing Jumping Distance title and everyone agreed.

Then there was the time where I just barely missed having my femur broken by the horse that tried to roll on it, my foot broken by a horse that decided to step and leannnnn on it, not dropping the exceedingly heavy motorcycle during my Motorcycle Safety Foundation test, numerous car crashes just barely avoided, one big car crash that should have killed me but didn't do anything other than leave me with scratches and finally, meeting and falling in love with Eric.

Then there's the luck involved in getting pregnant when you want to be, having a great first pregnancy, living in the right time period where a stubbornly closed cervix doesn't kill you and the baby and having a ridiculously healthy twin pregnancy. I swear I'm starting to feel like I'm bizarrely suited for a twin pregnancy. I may be in pain and tired, but I don't look it, so everyone cheers about how fab I look, how the twins' growth is good and how I'm not on bed rest or likely to go into early labor. Hell, I'm not even anemic which is fairly common for twin pregnancies.

Life is funny, isn't it?

So. Do you feel lucky? Do ya?

I think I'll go knock on some wood.

The Cure for SIDS?

SIDS: Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Terrifying to any parent, the concept that you can put your baby down to sleep and return to find them dead. Apparently without cause. Why does this happen? Why does it seem to happen to some people and not others? What variables are involved? And, the most important question, what can we do to prevent it?

A chemist from New Zealand believes he has found the answer and has been trying to get the word out over the course of the last 10 years. My neighbor had sent me a note about it and today, a video link. I was curious and started having a look through his material on his website. I have to tell you, even if the industry is not willing to accept his theory, his research or the outcome of his testing, I think that I am. At the very least, mattress wrapping (his suggestion) can do no harm. If the chemistry he has suggested is correct, then it is worth the nominal amount of money to wrap the mattress and ensure - even if it's just a tiny bit - a small amount of relief in the mind of a parent.

Here is the note:

The standard counsel is that we put infants to bed on their backs, a strategy that has reduced the number of SIDS deaths by 50 %, but beyond this point, this is more or less all we as parents can do. We just have to hope that our child makes it through to their first birthday when we can stop worrying about SIDS. However, I have come across the very convincing work of a scientist in New Zealand who claims to understand what exactly causes SIDS, and therefore can prevent it.

Dr. TJ Sprott is a forensic chemist in New Zealand. His basic theory (along with that of a British scientist Barry Richardson) is that the mixture of a fungus found in the fluids from a baby, i.e. drool, spit-up (very likely Scopulariopsis brevicaulis) plus the elements arsenic, antimony, and phosphorous (commonly found in baby mattresses and synthetic materials), creates toxic gases that subsequently poisons the baby. He recommends a strict but simple protocol to eliminate the possibility of this happening. Part one is to wrap the baby's mattress in a special barrier mattress cover free of these elements, and part two is to eliminate all bedding that isn't 100% cotton. (There are more specifics than this, but that's the basic idea).

Now, I found this information on the web, and like most seemingly sensational claims on the web, I expected it to not be true and that a google search would turn up hits from people explaining why this guy was wrong. But I have yet to find anything that counters his arguments. As I dug deeper, it became more and more convincing.

Dr. Sprott runs a non-profit organization in New Zealand dedicated to raising awareness about this issue and to distribute these mattress covers. The website is www.cotlife2000.com. The organization started a push to wrap all baby mattresses in New Zealand starting in 1995. I've attached a file with the (official NZ government) statistics that he sent me and you can see for yourself. NZ has seen a 70 - 85% reduction in SIDS cases (depending on native vs. non-native peoples) since this campaign began, with no other nation-wide change of habits explaining the reduction. But here's the kicker--not one SIDS death has been reported on a properly wrapped mattress. (That's a heckuva lot better than 50 % reduction from the Back to Sleep campaign).

I showed this information to my father-in-law, a physical organic chemist, who I expected to eagerly jump on any holes in this guy's chemistry (there are lots of supporting journal articles at the website). He had questions, and emailed Dr. Sprott, who subsequently wrote him back with satisfactory explanations. Now my father-in-law seems to be as amazed as I am that Dr. Sprott's work isn't more widely publicized. Parents deserve to at least be aware of this.

Now what about money? This guy must be making a mint selling all these mattress covers, right? I wrote him an email, asking about the financial compensation he gets. He said he declined any royalty on the mattress covers in order to make them as economical as possible. He has written a book about his work, but again declined a royalty on it. Furthermore, this guy told me he has sunk $400,000 of his own
money into this cause.

There is much more information of interest to this topic--I am glossing over many of the details. The website mentioned above has all the specifics including the exact protocol to follow, lots of evidence to support Dr. Sprott's theory including scientific articles, statistics, commonly asked questions, how to purchase a mattress cover, etc. The mattress covers cost $30, btw, including shipping from New Zealand.

Why haven't we heard more about this? The medical establishment and other forces in New Zealand as well as here in the USA have fought him tooth and nail. My guess is no one wants to stake a claim on something having to do with a child's life lest they be sued if something goes wrong. Especially if we eventually agree that all the synthetic materials and fire-retardant treatments we've been using for baby bedding is what causes SIDS.

I'm not saying this is definitely the answer. [snip] In my mind, worst case is that i'm out $60 [for a playpen and a crib]. Best case is that I may have avoided SIDS.

At any rate, I feel this theory deserves much greater awareness, so I would encourage you to visit the website and read up on the topic.

Still with me? I know that was a lot to take in.

There are no certainties in this life, we are told, other than Death and Taxes. However, considering the increases in things like cancers, asthma, allergies and Alzheimer's, I'd be willing to hazard a guess that by steeping the mattresses our children sleep on in fire retardant chemicals it is probably not the safest thing we could do. (Not to mention pesticides coating the foods we eat - but that's a rant for another day.)

I guess I'll be ordering a pair of those mattress covers myself.

For those of you that are thinking that we've done just fine without such things previously, you are correct. Caitlin's mattress wasn't wrapped and she survived her infancy. That is no guarantee that the twins will. It's also the same logic that is all over those emails that scoff at how paranoid parents are these days: We didn't have car seats and we survived!

While this is true (the lack of car seats in the 70s and yet I and all my siblings survived driving with my parents who never wore their seat belts), I would suggest that we were lucky. There is no lack of data on number of childhood fatalities prior to the introduction of car seats or the requirement for seat belt use. This is a fascinating read.

Remember: people also used to think that smoking was good for your health. Look at how that turned out!

I'm sooooo pregnant!

Did I mention that I currently look like someone who is 6 months pregnant?

Did I?

Did I mention that by the time I'm 8 months along, I'll look and feel like TEN MONTHS?! And that I'll have part of a whole 'nother month to go through?!

Did I mention that part?

In case you lost track, I'm currently at the beginning of 4 months. Oy!

So let's talk about food! I have noticed a difference in my crazy hunger level now that I'm drinking more water. It has helped a lot. Imagine that! Now I need to eat correctly and that takes more effort than just pouring out a bowl of Peanut Butter Bumpers. Loads of sugar, ain't much else except crunch! Of course, I like the crunch....

Just to give you an idea of just how much food I should be eating, here's a sample menu for twins pregnancy from the Multiples book.

Breakfast:
2 scrambled eggs
1 oz Canadian bacon
2 slices whole wheat toast
1 oz cheddar cheese
1 banana

2nd Breakfast (OK, they call it "Mid-morning", but we know what they really mean!):
2 slices whole wheat toast
2 tbsp peanut butter
1 apple
1 cup milk

Lunch:
2 oz tuna (Can't stand the thought of it!)
2 sliced toasted rye (Not ever! Ew!)
1 small Lettuce/tomato salad
1/2 cup potato salad
1 cup ice cream
1 cup milk

Tea time (Or "Mid-afternoon"):
4 Ritz crackers (Um, bleah!)
1 oz liver pate (Double bleah!)
1/2 cup fresh grapes

Dinner:
5 oz broiled steak
1 small baked potato
1 tbsp sour cream
1 small Caesar salad
1 dinner roll
1 cup milk
1 cup tapioca pudding (Ugh!)
1/2 cup sliced strawberries

Dessert:
1 cup ice cream

Bedtime:
3/4 cup Cereal
1 cup milk
1/2 cup fruit

--p. 258-9

Are you scared yet? I am!

By the way, if eating that much sounds like fun to you, you can carry the twins! I'm not sure how I can choke down that much food, really, but if I want two 6 lb babies (that's my current infant goal weight), I need to.

On the bright side, I picked up some Canadian bacon and Mmm mmm! It's good! I've also stopped eating the ridiculous cereals and am now making myself take the extra few minutes to make hot oatmeal (with dried cranberries or cherries and nuts!). Whole grains, baby! Err...babies! I've also picked up several ingredients for the recipes in the back of the book and will start cooking away. (Now that I'm more awake, I can help out more with the cooking. I even made Eric breakfast today. I rock!) Some look pretty good. One in particular looks revolting: French toast with ham and cheese. Cinnamon raisin bread made into ham and cheese sandwiches, soaked in eggs, then toasted. Bleaaarrgh!

But maybe that's just me.

Oh, more good news from The Book.

• Since I've already had a kid, my risk of delivering prior to 35 weeks is half that for a first timer.
• Women over age 30 are significantly more likely to carry twins for at least 35 weeks than younger women. The age thing suddenly is to my advantage!
  
• I don't currently have a high stress job. Good riddance, The Man!

Yay me!

So there it is. I'm feeling hopeful.

Less than two weeks to go for the amnios. More hope to come!