Tuesday, February 12, 2008

A plan so cunning...

You could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Yes. I have a plan.

We have a plan.

Contrary to my previous entry that left you with the sneaking suspicion that I was sailing over the edge into Permanent Self Injury Land, I'm not that far gone. Just so you know I'm not that far gone: I still have a sense of humor left. It's when I lose all sense of humor that I know I'm in deep trouble. Ask Eric. During the worst times in my life that he has witnessed, I find nothing even remotely funny and trying to make me laugh just makes me mad. I know I'm going to be OK if I can laugh at myself or the situation. Just two days after making a concerted effort to get more sleep and I do, actually, feel better.

Not perfect, but better.

I recognize big, fat, red waving flags, even when they're in my own head. And then I act on them.

I have to type fast, since Logan just fell asleep so it's officially time to get some sleep and not stay up reading and cleaning. Or just reading and eating.

That being said, I had a big talk with Eric earlier while nursing Emma. The plan is to:
  1. Get to bed early every night by about 9:30 pm or when my dinner is finished.
  2. Try to tandem nurse again. Hopefully the double vomiting issue is finished now. Tandem nursing will hopefully mean time spent nursing is cut in half.
  3. Accept any offers from those that want to come over and either hold babies while we clean or would like to bring/cook dinner. (Or offer cleaning services. Totally OK with that.) Right now our toughest times are from 4-8:30 pm which is dinner, twin cluster nursing, Caitlin homework time and getting boundary pushers to bed.
  4. Get Caitlin's homework done on weekends and not weekdays. Caitlin has discovered that she can get Eric's complete and undivided attention by being, or pretending to be, completely miserable at math homework. I don't think it's her strongest subject, but I don't think it's actually this tough for her either.
  5. Learn how to make dinner in the crockpot. Got any good recipes? I don't know any.
If you're wondering why See a Therapist isn't on the list, the answer is simple: money and insurance. Our insurance is Catastrophic only (at the moment) and wouldn't pay for anything, anyway. And since we currently have Out-Go and no Income, we can't afford it. I will have to reuse what I learned last time.

Ooh! Yes, there was a last time. That's when I had rockin' insurance and took advantage of it. Wasn't related to PPD, though.

As the weather warms up and there's more sunshine, I always feel better. I can get out more during the day and walk with the twins. Being physically active helped me a lot last time. I also have a lot of different personal goals related to building a business I love, which I didn't have last time. Making plants is a passion and one that makes me feel better all of the time. Just the smell of moist soil will lift my spirits.

I know, sounds weird, huh?

I am not going to hurt myself or those around me, even though I thought about it. Just so you know: I never touched the scissors. Also, since I have this ridiculously vivid imagination, I always follow those sorts of thoughts to their logical conclusion and never like the image of blood, hospitals and weeping husband and children left behind. There's no fantasy of how everything will be better if I'm dead or how everyone would just be better off if I didn't exist. It may very well be egotistical to say this, but the world would be a worse place without me in it.

Less scones, for instance. And who would photograph the children?!

I'm not going to do that to myself because I've got plans and because I am not going to tear my family apart.

My life has looked far worse at different points, so I can feel the difference in where I am now and where I was last time. I feel like I'm close to the hole, not actually in it, if you see depression as a large, dark hole in the ground.

This is me, seeing the hole and recognizing it and walking around and away from it.

These feelings are temporary.

This sleep deprivation is temporary.

This anger is temporary.

Caitlin is going through a phase.

The twins will eventually both sleep through the night.

I'm going to kick some plant selling ass at the Market this summer and I'm going to build a business I love with a friend I love.

And I am going to write and write and write about it.

2008 is going to be known as the Year of The Hatchet. Just you wait.

9 comments:

Bunny said...

Oh, honey. I had PPD after my second child and I felt (still sometimes but not so much) so many of the same things you said here. I was so. angry. So angry at the loss of myself and so angry that all these people needed me and that there was no space left for me. No one ever washed my clothes or cleaned up after me or fed me or washed the dishes. It was all just me. And it was overwhelming and terrible. I have no idea what it is like to have twins, but I'm sure it's even more work than having just one at a time (duh.) There are some of us out here who have been there too. I don't know what to say to help except that I've been in that hole of depression. And most of the time these days I skirt pretty far away from the edge. But I know what it's like to sink.
You are doing a great job. Keep writing and writing!

Bunny said...

P.S. Have you heard of the Constance blogs ? This sounds like a good place for you! (I would have emailed you, but you don't seem to publish one)

filthEdesign said...

i'm no iron chef, but i decided to put some easy recipes up in my blog...maybe they will help :)

http://filthedesign.blogspot.com/
here

Missy said...

The PLAN sounds good. I know for me I always feel better with a solid plan of action.

I am not going to take up precious comment space with a rant on availablility of affordable mental health care, I will save it for my blog, but I gots plenty to say on that topic!

I have a cookbook called Fix it and Forget it and it has TONS of really yummy slow cooker recipes. I recommend it pretty highly.

Mommy Daisy said...

I'm glad you are well and working to do what it takes to feel better. It's awesome that you recognize what you need.

I was going to suggest the "Fix It & Forget It" cookbooks to you, but I see I'm not the first. I have "Fix It & Forget It, Lightly" which is their lowfat cooking book. We love it. I make most of my meals in the crockpot. Here's a link in case you need it. I say order one now. http://www.amazon.com/Fix-Forget-Cookbook-Dawn-Ranck/dp/1561483397

Scylla said...

I like a plan! I am a liking the plan kind of gal!

I also like stew, which is pretty much the only thing I crock pot.

I bet you kind find some yummies on the Food Network website.

alessa said...

I have a yummy corck pot recipe. Pour an inch of boiling water into the bottom of a crock pot. Put a towel or towel like bath mat in water, pour more hot water on towel, stuff another towel on top, repeat addition of boiling water. Place lid on to. Put on warm for an hour. Meanwhile,ave husband clear off horizontal surface for Hatchett to lie face down. Have husband put two dry towels fresh from dryer on Hatchet's back, place hot & moist towels from crock pot on top, layer another dry towel or two to keep in warmth, and marinate for 20-45 minutes, or until Hatchet gets cool. Repeat as necessary... :P

Dawn said...

Plans are good, having a sense of humor is better! Plans will get you out of trouble every time.

Cindy showed me a cool website: www.mealsmatter.org apparently it will give you recipes based on what's already in your cupboard, maybe they have crockpot stuff as well.

Tracy said: "I noticed that Cindy mentioned LAST YEAR that you two were going to have a lot of fun watching me "juggle Caitlin and a pair of twins". So tell me, are you having fun watching?"

Hmmm, yes, the giggling from the peanut gallery will be resuming shortly. ;>

Love Ya

Woman with a Hatchet said...

Thanks, everyone!

Bunny, I have "met" Constance. She's great. *grin*

Missy, I look forward to seeing that list!

Em: Thanks, I'll go have a look.

MD: I'm sold on the cookbook! Think I'll go pick one up today. Oooh! Bookstore! All the lovely books!

Alessa: I like that recipe!

Misty: I need to get the hang of stew. I've got a cow comin' soon!

Dawn: Love you, too!

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