Yes. I have a plan.
We have a plan.
Contrary to my previous entry that left you with the sneaking suspicion that I was sailing over the edge into Permanent Self Injury Land, I'm not that far gone. Just so you know I'm not that far gone: I still have a sense of humor left. It's when I lose all sense of humor that I know I'm in deep trouble. Ask Eric. During the worst times in my life that he has witnessed, I find nothing even remotely funny and trying to make me laugh just makes me mad. I know I'm going to be OK if I can laugh at myself or the situation. Just two days after making a concerted effort to get more sleep and I do, actually, feel better.
Not perfect, but better.
I recognize big, fat, red waving flags, even when they're in my own head. And then I act on them.
I have to type fast, since Logan just fell asleep so it's officially time to get some sleep and not stay up reading and cleaning. Or just reading and eating.
That being said, I had a big talk with Eric earlier while nursing Emma. The plan is to:
- Get to bed early every night by about 9:30 pm or when my dinner is finished.
- Try to tandem nurse again. Hopefully the double vomiting issue is finished now. Tandem nursing will hopefully mean time spent nursing is cut in half.
- Accept any offers from those that want to come over and either hold babies while we clean or would like to bring/cook dinner. (Or offer cleaning services. Totally OK with that.) Right now our toughest times are from 4-8:30 pm which is dinner, twin cluster nursing, Caitlin homework time and getting boundary pushers to bed.
- Get Caitlin's homework done on weekends and not weekdays. Caitlin has discovered that she can get Eric's complete and undivided attention by being, or pretending to be, completely miserable at math homework. I don't think it's her strongest subject, but I don't think it's actually this tough for her either.
- Learn how to make dinner in the crockpot. Got any good recipes? I don't know any.
Ooh! Yes, there was a last time. That's when I had rockin' insurance and took advantage of it. Wasn't related to PPD, though.
As the weather warms up and there's more sunshine, I always feel better. I can get out more during the day and walk with the twins. Being physically active helped me a lot last time. I also have a lot of different personal goals related to building a business I love, which I didn't have last time. Making plants is a passion and one that makes me feel better all of the time. Just the smell of moist soil will lift my spirits.
I know, sounds weird, huh?
I am not going to hurt myself or those around me, even though I thought about it. Just so you know: I never touched the scissors. Also, since I have this ridiculously vivid imagination, I always follow those sorts of thoughts to their logical conclusion and never like the image of blood, hospitals and weeping husband and children left behind. There's no fantasy of how everything will be better if I'm dead or how everyone would just be better off if I didn't exist. It may very well be egotistical to say this, but the world would be a worse place without me in it.
Less scones, for instance. And who would photograph the children?!
I'm not going to do that to myself because I've got plans and because I am not going to tear my family apart.
My life has looked far worse at different points, so I can feel the difference in where I am now and where I was last time. I feel like I'm close to the hole, not actually in it, if you see depression as a large, dark hole in the ground.
This is me, seeing the hole and recognizing it and walking around and away from it.
These feelings are temporary.
This sleep deprivation is temporary.
This anger is temporary.
Caitlin is going through a phase.
The twins will eventually both sleep through the night.
I'm going to kick some plant selling ass at the Market this summer and I'm going to build a business I love with a friend I love.
And I am going to write and write and write about it.
2008 is going to be known as the Year of The Hatchet. Just you wait.