Bite me!

Not you. Logan.

He bites and pinches, and frankly if you were to do that, the friendship would be over! Tonight he pinched me so hard, on either side of my breast, that I am now bruised. He pinched me so hard that I had a hard time unclenching the tiny fists of pinching power to release my mangled mammary.

Breastfeeding is so fun. So fun that I've made you a list.

Things I Love and Hate about Breastfeeding

Hate:

1. The 6-8 week "break-in" period. Don't try and tell me that it won't hurt if I get in some magical position that is somehow unattainable by mortal woman. Breasts are sensitive and those that have never performed actual work before and are suddenly required to hit the ground running with twins are going to hurt.
2. Thrush. May I never have that again. You neither. That sucked. Although the gentian violet purple mouth thing was pretty cool looking. In a weird sort of way.
3. Biting. Thank goodness no one has teeth yet.
4. Pinching. Dammit! Stop!
5. Poking. Ow!
6. Pulling. What am I, taffy? Stop it!
7. Spraying all over everything. Apparently my children, Logan especially, like to take milk baths and I am to provide the milk.
8. Leaking and dripping. In bed. Out of bed. Doesn't matter. I'm soaking in my own puddles. Bleah.
9. Vomit. Milk that goes in too fast, comes out too fast, as well.
10. Paranoia. Am I making enough? is the perennial question of newly breastfeeding moms. Makes you crazy.
11. Being on call 24/7. No one else around here is lactating so I'm always on duty. Eric's not trying very hard to lactate, either. I've suggested it to him but Noooooo! he says. Phooey. The flip side, of course is #8 below.
12. No chai. Sniffle!
    
13. Being exposed in public. I'm all for breastfeeding whenever and wherever you need to, but Logan has this terrible habit of suddenly pulling and then popping off just to take a look around. Dude! You're 4.5 months old! Ain't nothin' to see that won't be there when you're either a) no longer nursing or b) old enough to actually know what you're looking at!
14. Having a cold belly.
15. Tandem nursing. When the twins are awake and I try tandem nursing there are often one handed wrestling matches that take place on my chest. These often lead to the popping off and crying of one or both twins with twisting and arching of backs. Nursing is over when that happens.
16. Feeling trapped. Whether I'm tandem nursing or just one, I often feel as if I'm stuck to the chair.

Love:

1. Getting past the "break-in" period. Suddenly you feel like a pro and that maybe this breastfeeding thing is just as cool as everyone says?
2. Being patted and stroked.
3. That fuzzy sleepy feeling you get when everyone is nursing well.
4. Looking down at happy, sleepy nursing babies. They're so cute! Too bad I can't photograph the specific look I'm thinking of. My camera is too heavy to work one handed at arm's length.
5. Watching the twins grow on breastmilk alone gives me a powerful sense of accomplishment. That fat roll? Yeah...I did that!
6. Weight loss! Duuude! I've lost 61 pounds in 4 months and while I seem to be stuck on the last 4 pounds, I'm wearing my regular clothes again. Yeeha! As the weather warms up I'll be out walking more and more and the last few pounds will come off. Assuming I don't go crazy with the scones, that is.
7. No bottles to wash. The flip side is #11 above.
8. Being able to knock an exhausted baby out with the Power of the Boob is a super power every nursing mom can claim.
9. Non-stinky poops. Won't last long before they're on solid food, but until then their poop doesn't stink.
10. Being able to fall back asleep while someone is nursing is awesome!
    
11. It's free!
12. I've learned to type one handed.
13. Nursing frequently leads to frequent blog posts. You're welcome!
14. It also leads to reading lots and lots of stuff online. For reasons I don't understand, it's easier to nurse and read on the computer than it is to read a book.
15. You can often soothe an upset baby by offering a warm and pillowy breast.
16. Warm, cuddly babies. Makes you wanna hug 'em and squeeze 'em!

Well, I'm off to bed. Time to rest before the hungry hordes awaken again!

Anything else I should add to my list?