Looking for Advice: Boys and Potty Training

WARNING!

This entry will be filled with poop, not unlike Logan's underwear, so if you're easily offended you may want to read something else. Maybe about kitties?

I know they're 3 1/2 years old and you know they're 3 1/2 years old, but Logan has decided he's completely uninterested in pooping on the potty. As in, we know he can but he won't. We've asked, we've begged and pleaded, we've offered bribes of the chocolate variety and of the toy car variety, we've threatened, we've taken away toys. No dice.

That boy has no interest in pooping in or on the potty. He pees in one like a champ, unless he's playing outside in the yard. Somehow neither Logan nor Emma can remember that there are toilets inside the house if they are outside the house. Too distracted throwing sand around, I guess. Neither one of them wakes up dry, either, so they're still wearing the Bum Genius diapers at night*. Emma started to, but I think she backslid after watching Logan get away with peeing everywhere like a puppy.

Maybe I'm wrong, but there has got to be a way to get him to poop in the potty! Please help me! I'm really tired of having to wash soiled Pixar undies and have him freak out when he's all out of Lightning McQueen underwear. You know, because they are filled with poop.

What can I do?


* Yes, they really have been wearing the same reusable diapers for two years and nine months. How awesome is that? Freakin' incredibly awesome, that's how much! The velcro closures have taken a beating, but I've just been using a strip of velcro over top to hold them on. The diapers still look good and work great. Except that Logan pees like a racehorse, so he's always soggy in the morning. I'm starting to wonder if his bladder grows larger as he sleeps and sucks in the moisture from the air.

Plant Check! (Alternative title: Spring Has Sprung...Hatchet Style)

You know how you felt, as a kid, when you grew your very first bean-in-a-cup? Or the first time you saw newborn kittens and/or puppies? That moment of squee married to fascination? I get that feeling every spring.

Every. Single. Spring.

This spring is extra special since it's the first one I haven't come out of winter all sad and grumpy. Instead I'm perky and raring to go.

This doesn't mean I've planted a single seed, though. I've been distracted by all of those other projects I'm still working on like finishing Caitlin's wall unit, baking bread and making yogurt and dabbling in making personal care products. (I made deodorant and it works like a charm! I'm steeping vanilla beans in jojoba oil and lavender in witch hazel! Lotion, moisturizer, toner and lip balm aren't far behind.)

So after I finished putting a few coats of lacquer on Caitlin's wall cubes, I went wandering around in the back yard. Eric thought I was crazy for hanging around in the blustery cold, peering at plants, but when I reminded him that I'm a druid at heart, he concurred and returned indoors. I kept poking about, checking for signs of new life and found them all over the place!

And nothing compares to the thrill of seeing plants I've ripped out of the ground and relocated putting out new growth.

"Yay! I haven't killed it!"

"Woo! You survived!"

"Well hello there, peonies!"

Yes. I talk to my plants. And cheer for them. And threaten to rip them out of the ground if they don't shape up.

I'm a benevolent dictator, for the most part.

From the looks of it, it should shape up to be a fabulous spring...if all of those newly relocated plants bloom this year, that is! Columbine are popping up all over (as are weeds, of course) along with a host of other plants. The lavenders I relocated are alive as are the peonies, catmint, smoke plants, sedum, autumn sage, agastache, prairie winecups, bleeding hearts, etc., etc., etc. I am pleased with all of the work I put in last fall and am looking forward to seeing the results of that work!

You know you're a real gardener when you can walk into almost any garden center, look at the thousands of plants on display and mentally tick off your list:

"Yup, killed that one. And that. And those. Oh! I remember that one! It was so pretty!"

The flip side is that you're always willing to try again. Maybe this time it will be happier over there?

As always, no matter how many I have, there's always room for one more. Or fifteen more.

Those bags of daylilies and dahlias begged to come home with me. Seriously.

Caitlin says...

Caitlin is upstairs in her room with her friend. They're having a 2 day sleepover and are having fun.

Eric [Downstairs in the kitchen]: Caitlin!
Caitlin: Yes?
Eric: Did you drink my soda that I had here in the fridge?
Caitlin: No.
Eric: Do you know where my soda is?
Caitlin: [Guilty silence]
Eric: Caiiiiit-lin?!
Caitlin: It's underneath my pillow because we couldn't open it and we thought we'd get yelled at.
Eric retrieves the soda and returns to me shaking his head.

Caitlin: Splitter of Hairs Extraordinaire.


We now will attempt to return to Woman with a Hatchet. Some assembly may be required.

The Craftiness Continues! Now for fun with...DRAPES!

I blame my sister Cindy and Ana White for the crafting bug that has taken hold of me recently. If it weren't for Ana's web site and her cool plans for furniture, I never would have found Young House Love.

The problem with having found their site is that it immediately filled my brain with all sorts of cool ideas about how I could finish Caitlin's room. Finish as in decorate. I've been so busy working on my garden for all of these years that I never really think about the inside of the house a whole lot. Mostly because to me, mopping a floor that will be dirty again just as soon as a twin passes by is a lot more frustrating than pulling a weed that I know will come back. However, time between weed regrowth is usually a matter of weeks, while floor destruction is only a matter of moments.

That sense of satisfaction that you get from a job well done is far more fleeting inside the house than outside the house.

That being said, making furniture has been a heck of a lotta fun. At least for me. Now, after having spent hours scouring decorating blogs (There are some amazingly talented people out there! They have some fantastic taste! I am so totally stealing their ideas! Woo!) for cool ideas and easy/cheap ways of doing things, I learned about heat bond tape. It means no sewing.

No sewing.

At least for simple things like drapes, that's frickin' awesome! So I ran out and bought some and then pulled out some white fabric that has been laying around for a few years in my garage. What did I buy it for originally? I can't remember, but there was plenty of it to make Caitlin some very, very simple drapes.

Want to make some, too? First we'll need some supplies.

1. The magical heat & bond tape that I grabbed from the local craft store. I bought a bag that had 4 rolls in it, since I didn't know how much I'd need or if I might get all crazy and make something else after I was done with this set of drapes. I had a coupon, so it the tape was 40% off. Nicely done, me!
2. I snagged some cloth daisy pins for 50 cents each, also at the local craft store, since I didn't want the curtains to be just plain white.
3. I pulled out my measuring tape, iron and ironing board.
4. Don't forget the fabric you want to make into a curtain. I'd already cut it to the length I'd wanted, although since I'm notoriously crappy at math, I didn't quite cut it long enough, so it isn't fully floor length like I'd originally wanted it to be. Oh well! This is only my 2nd time making curtains, so I don't feel so bad!
5. Finally, you need ring clips (unless you want to make cloth tabs) and a curtain rod.

Measure your hem and iron it down. Another blogger had mentioned that professionals make 4" hems and after checking the ones that I'd had made for me years ago, confirmed that to be the case. So, being a wannabe, I made my hems 4" wide on both the top and the bottom. I think this is where I made my length miscalculation. I ironed that sucker flat and rolled it over a second time and ironed that flat.

Then I pulled out my new magical crafting tool (I might like it almost as much as I like my sander!) and double checked the directions on the back of the package. I'm glad I did, because unlike Sherry's tape, mine didn't have any paper on it to peel off. If I'd put the hot iron on it...well. Let's just say I'd have suddenly started searching for How To Remove Glue from your Iron.

I plopped my 4" hem on top of the tape, ironed it down and repeated the process on each side of the panel. When I was done, it was a thing of beauty. I didn't have to curse out my sewing machine. I didn't have to pull out my hopelessly messed up stitches. Amazing!

That's it! I was done making a panel! All I needed to do then was do the same thing on the second panel and then go grab some ring clips. I had a curtain rod that I'd bought back when I made a curtain for the living room, but found out it was too long for the space. Since I figured that I'd eventually use it in my room, I just put it in the closet. Where's it's been for almost 5 years. Sigh.

My next step was to attach the ring clips to the panels and have Eric install the rod. Then, as the final touch, I pinned the cute flowers to the panels and called it Good Enough.

It's not perfect, but it's fun. If I run across more of those flowers, I'll be sure to snag them and add them to the 10 I found originally.

I think Caitlin will like it! What's more, what I've learned here will stand me in good stead when I start working on my room!

What do you think? Easy and cute! Easily changed, too, if Caitlin doesn't like it or wants something different or wants simple, white curtains.


Awwwwwe-some!

How to ...Make Your Own Magnetic Blackboard

That's right. Now I've caught the crafting bug and I've got to finish up the desk backing for Caitlin's room. My plan is to make a magnetized blackboard to fit that opening.


Hope you're having a great day!

Tutorial with photos!

1. First, get yourself a thin piece of plywood, for sturdiness. Have it cut to the size you'd like. (Do you have an old frame that needs a new purpose? Wall space crying out for some magnets?)  I have two of them around 30" x 20", one is for Caitlin's desk and the other is going to be my menu board/shopping list board mounted in the kitchen. 
2. Get a quart of magnetic primer. You don't want spray paint for this. From the reading I've done, it doesn't appear to work so well. Make sure to either have the store you buy it from use their agitator to shake it or expect to stir it up a lot when you get it home and while painting it on. You need to ensure the primer is well mixed for it to work properly.
3. Use a very smooth roller or a foam brush. I went the foam brush route, since that's what I had on hand.
4. Sand your plywood with a fine grit sandpaper, just to ensure it's nice and smooth. Wipe away the dust with a damp rag and allow to dry before priming.

The primer I picked up suggested a minimum of two thin coats, so I went for three and tested in between each coat with a small magnet for strength after allowing it to dry for 30 minutes each time. After 3 coats, it seemed to be strong enough for my needs.

By the way, this stuff is really whiffy, so you'll want to paint it outdoors or in an extremely well ventilated location. I was in the garage with the door open and I still chose to put on a mask to fend off the fumes. By the time I was done with the third coat, it was starting to get a little too chilly to move on to the next phase of the project: applying the chalkboard paint.

I will start on that tomorrow, assuming it's not too cold to paint!

 - - -

Of course I couldn't finish what I'd started. It dropped below freezing and has stayed there the last 2 days. So...instead I'll put this post on hold until the weather returns to the "spring" setting.

In the meantime, I'm working on an indoor project. More about that later.

Caitlin's New Desk: Hatchet and Husband Take on the DIY World!

Just under a week of hard work, swearing, sanding, painting, sawing, swearing, building and then last minute panic, ripping apart and refacing, it's done.

One third of the giant wall unit for Caitlin's bedroom is finished. Now she has a place to do her homework...in her room and away from the babies. No excuses.

Check it out!

One desk with hutch and drawer. It's not perfect at all, but talk about proud! Aaaaand a massive learning experience for Eric and I. I'll be making sure that he takes into account the measurement for any drawer slides before putting the drawer together in future!

The drawer interior. I totally stole the idea from Young House Love (Crafty devils!) because I thought it was a fabulous touch. Caitlin chose the wrapping paper and I got my first dose of decoupage. Be afraid!

The knob Caitlin chose after much back and forth with me. White knobs on a white drawer weren't going to work for me. This, on the other hand, is lovely! We have another pair of matching handles for the drawers on the base units. Base unit construction starts...tomorrow!

Caitlin's finished door with her colorful name and the desk we've been working on for a week! Caitlin even did homework on it this evening!

Whew! What a lot of work! I'm so glad it's done.

On to the next piece! Huzzah!

Whaddayah think?

Emma says...

After a quick bath this morning, Emma asked Eric if he liked her pretty hair.

"I love your pretty hair," Eric replied. "Do you like my pretty hair?" and gestured to his shiny shaved head.

Emma's eyes crinkled and her nose squinched up. My favorite laugh bounced around the kitchen and she said, "You don't have any hair, Daddy!" When he asked what she thought happened to Daddy's hair, Emma said, "You frew it away! It's in da garbage!"

Logan walked in with his bag of toys, bright yellow hard hat and Lightning McQueen snow boots and exclaimed, "Sniper took it!"

"We have to go find it, Yogan!" Emma squealed and jumped down from her chair. "Let's go get Swiper!" She grabbed Logan by the hand and together they ran into the living room.

Moments later we heard a pair of voices yelling, "Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping" from the living room. Emma came back to us and held her hands out, empty and sad. "It's all gone."

So much for getting Eric's hair back!

I'm in real trouble now!

See what happens when you go visit your kid sister? You come back with a hundred ideas about how to organize your house and Oh! wouldn't it be nice to paint the bedroom and living room again and Oh! what colors should I use and Ooh! we need to build Caitlin a desk/cubby system and on and on and on.

Next thing you know you're falling down the rabbit hole of links and find wall art so sensational that you know you must recreate it in your own room. I'm doomed and here's the picture that doomed me (From Girl in Air's blog. Too crafty for words.). I searched her site thinking that I was looking at a stencil, but it turns out she used a projector and here are the step by step instructions from Vintage Revival's blog. Now I'm seriously all squee-y about those trees and the burning need to paint them in my own room.

No, those aren't going into Caitlin's room. I think I'm done there, other than the cubby/desk furniture. Fortunately for me, I bugged Eric until he couldn't take it anymore got Eric to start work on the desk yesterday. Today I started sanding and filling in holes while he put the drawer together. If I weren't so tired from being up at 3am with a screamy Logan (Why? Whyyyy did I offer to let them sleep with me last night?!), I'd be out in the garage right now priming that sucker.

I should probably take pictures, huh?

Tomorrow, in daylight, I'll take pictures.

Then I'm gonna bug the heck out of Eric to finish the cubby system until we can get all of Caitlin's crap out of our room so that I can start work on renovating our bedroom! Lemme tell you, it's a wreck.

I don't know about you, but my bedroom becomes a dumping ground for all of the laundry, books, confiscated toys and books and other debris that needs to find a home. The main problem with it being our room that I've waited so long to work on is the fact that I know the Diderot Effect will get me. I will want blackout shades that match those in the kids' rooms instead of the ones we installed 16 years ago. I'll want to rip out the carpet and replace it with bamboo flooring to match the rest of the house (Why didn't I just do that when we had the floor installed during the kitchen remodel 9 years ago?! Clearly I'm a blockhead.) and then I'll need to update all of our trim to white to match Caitlin's.

I already gave in to the idea that once I started changing trim out that I'd then have to do the whole rest of the house. Bit by bit.

The problem with me is that once I have an idea for something, I wanna do it now! Now! NOW! Quick! Before my inner slacker takes over!

I can just feel Cindy laughing at me in Canada and my mom shaking her head at me and mumbling something about "not doing anything by halves". Again. Yeah. Fortunately (?) for me Eric is on the critical path (Project manager speak, there. Don't mind me.) to getting stuff built, so I have to move at his speed. His speed, when compared to mine, is often...lackadaisical. (Yeah. Second definition down.) Good thing I'm good at pushing motivating him.

[Breaks out the coconut cupcake recipe.]

Caitlin's Room Remodel

What does the Hatchet do when she can't garden and doesn't really want to bake bread?

Well, she finds something else to obsess over. Like organizing the house starting with the bedroom of her eldest child; there has never been a room in more desperate need of a good cleaning and makeover as hers.

Here are the Before pictures. However, "before" doesn't mention the 4-6 hours worth of cleaning that it took to get her room into this shape. Three bags of trash. Two bags of recycling. Sweeping and sweeping and vacuuming and sweeping and a great number of unanswerable questions like "Why is there a half eaten quesadilla under her dresser?" and "What's with the billions of tiny pieces of paper?" and "Oh my gawd! Look at her closet! WTH?!".

That last was me since I spent the majority of the time pulling the huge piles of crap out of her closet.

Then we moved all of her stuff into our bedroom, leaving her with a clean/empty room and us with a wrecked/stuffed room.

Anyway, on with the show!

Caitlin with the hippo our friend Steve painted for her right before she was born. It's been almost 10 years; time for a makeover!

The ceiling that I painted with oddly shaped clouds. It's a dog! It's a pig!

This is Caitlin's closet after we had spent hours and hours cleaning her room out. Three bags of trash and two of recycling later, it looked like this. Then we had to COMPLETELY empty it for painting. Her dresser was just pushed in there for a size check.

The wall her dresser used to be on. Note the multiple color paints. This required the use of tinted primer to cover up. Yup. I did that to myself. Oh and there USED to be a wallpaper border, but Caitlin peeled it off when she was 3. After that, I swore I'd never use wallpaper again.

The window wall, left side.

Window wall, right side.

It's been almost 10 years since I last touched that room with a paint brush. At the time, it was a lovely room. It was a nursery, with bright colors and very suitable for an infant. Now...well, she's about to enter double digits, so it seemed like a good idea to take time to remodel her room now rather than wait until the summer when it will be murderously hot and my garden sings its siren song.

Just to put this all into perspective, Caitlin's room is 10' x 10' with 8' ceilings. It took me 10 days to go from the nursery pictures. to this:

AFTER! Woohoo! 

These are display shelves that Eric built and I primed and painted, and the VERY purple walls. Each display shelf is 4' long and built with 1 1x2, and 2 1x6s. Pretty cool and seriously easy. The plans are at ana-white.com.

Thanks to my sister Cindy for turning me on to Ana White's DIY site! Next up: a giant shelving/desk system on the opposite wall! Eric is going to be spending a LOT of time building stuff for me this year!

If you don't like lilac/lavender, you won't like this room.

Note that Caitlin also got a new comforter set to complete the makeover. While we were shopping she informed me that she doesn't like pink. I was stunned, I tell you, stunned! So much for my idea for pink accents! That's OK though, I like the bright green and aqua blue.

The room is actually 2 colors: the walls of the main room are a dark lavender (Mystic Purple) and the ceiling and closet interior are a lighter lilac (Purple Dragon). Today I finished painting all of the wood trim bright white, like that shelf in the closet.

We took the sliding doors off her closet with plans to turn them into doors that open outwards and possibly have a shelving unit built in like this, but I'm not sure we have the room.

Nothin's says lovin' like sanding, priming and painting wood trim. I blame Cindy. She convinced me that I should update the trim in my house to white. I bought into the idea and now I will have to go room by room on my hands and knees and change it. Eventually. Maybe in the fall. Spring is coming, after all!

The finished wall where some day there will be a cool desk and a set of cubby shelves like this. Minus all of the pink, of course.

Now all I have left to do is sand, prime and double coat her door and it can go back on its hinges. Then I'll bug Eric to work on the desk and cubby system, which I'll then be required to paint. By the time we're done, there should be no excuses for stuff left on the floor or shoved into the bottom of the closet. Actually, I'm moving her dresser in there, so I'm hoping she won't be able to stuff anything in it!

Later I'll build her an end table and a shelf/cubby for the gerbils to live on where she can store their stuff. Storage! It's all about storage!*

Like I said, I am suddenly obsessed with home organizing and learning how to do some woodworking that will allow us to fit our stuff in our home more comfortably will be awesome!




* Even later still I'll build some toy boxes, maybe more shelves for the twins room and a bench and hook system for the front entryway. I'm sick of shoes all over. I blame Cindy for all of the woodworking ideas!

Regional Spelling Bee and Where HAS the Hatchet Been, Anyway?!

I'm sorry I've been offline for so long. A lot has been going on, not least of which was the fact that I was still processing my trip to Canada.

There's nothing quite like dropping everything, rushing off to hang with your mom and sisters to give you a lot to think about. Then, after I returned home again, Eric and the kids were kind enough to share the plague that they had contracted whilst I was away. I ran a 103.6 - 104 degree fever for a week.

That'd put a dent in anyone's blogging schedule, I betcha.

Add a little crazy life action, a decided lack of desire to edit photos that leave me sad, a screamy Logan (Being ill doesn't suit him.) and a sudden and burning desire to organize my entire house, starting with Caitlin's room and that's where I've been.

Oh yeah, and watching Caitlin at the Regional Spelling Bee.

She really didn't want to go, which I chalked up to nerves. I don't really blame her, but I knew it was better for her to go than to give in and let her skip out. This was a learning experience, people!

Eric studied with her, cramming words in right up to the day of the Bee, after chasing her around for a month trying to get her to study a little at a time. Hmm. Wonder where she inherited the Cramming Gene from, eh?

Anyway, we went to the Bee and it turns out she was slotted to sit in seat #1. Oooooh! No pressure, kid! The kids there ranged from 7(!) to 14. The winner gets an all expenses paid trip to Washington for the National Spelling Bee. How cool would that be?

There in the background is the 3rd time winner of the Regional, a 14 year old. In second place was an 11 year old. Awesome!

Caitlin, like all the other 52 kids, was terrified up on the stage and spent many minutes during the practice round picking the sparkly bits off of her shirt, tapping her feet and holding her breath. Not that we noticed or anything. Or tried to get her to stop. Nope. Heh! (Practice word: "admiral", which she nailed.)

It was fascinating to me to see how the Bee actually worked and that clearly, a number of these kids had all been there before in previous years and had the pattern down!

Conspicuous? Continuous? Oh man! What did he SAY?!

Caitlin's word: "contiguous". Unfortunately, being as nervous as she was, she didn't make better use of the tools they reminded all the kids they could use. Ask to hear the word again, get a definition, and hear it used in a sentence. She missed the -uous by changing it to -ious and that was all she wrote. turns out you only get one opportunity to spell the word and once you say a letter, there are no take-backs.

Suddenly, we were done.

Since we had a sitter watching the twins at home, we took the opportunity and our Champion Speller off for a day of Alone Time with the Parents. We had brunch, did a little shopping and picked up How To Train Your Dragon on DVD. All by ourselves.

Win, lose or draw, it was an excellent day and she's an excellent girl.

We're already negotiating whether or not she is going to be in the Bee next year. Hah! We told her to not even worry about it until next fall. Then we'll see.

Next up: What have I been doing in Caitlin's room?

Happenstance

When you think about the sheer number of incidents that occurred in the lives of my grandparents and parents lives, it's a wonder the four of us kids were ever born at all.

To whit:

My grandmother, Corinne, was born 2 months early. In Jamaica. In 1908.

NINETEEN OH EIGHT, people!

Mom said they pinned her to a pillow to keep her close by. She must've been teeny tiny at birth, because she was tiny as an adult.

Then, at 18, in 1926, she got pneumonia. Her doctor sat beside her bed and begged her not to die. Only two shots of penicillin were sent to the island and were meant for someone else, but that person died before they got there. The shots were given to my grandmother instead. She went on to outlive all of her immediate family, doctors and friends and died at the ripe old age of 96.

My dad, born in 1933, was what they called a "blue" baby. Apparently my Nanny had rH factor problems after her first child was born and my dad, the third surviving child, could've died. They actually gave him a blood transfusion to save his life. Then later, still as an infant, he got horribly ill with what we think was bronchitis. All of the doctors in the area were at a conference, so none were available to come and help. Someone apparently put a mustard plaster on his chest, but he didn't improve. A cousin who was also a nurse went out to find the one doctor that didn't go to the conference. He came, saw dad was turning blue (Again!), ripped the plaster off and gave him a teaspoon of brandy. Mind you, this was during Prohibition, so that teaspoonful came dearly. The brandy caused him to shudder and cough and breathe again.

Saved by booze.

Then, my parents having met at all was sheer coincidence. Mom was supposed to have left for the US on a piano scholarship in the fall, except that the nun she gave her application papers to didn't submit it. Dad was on assignment to the bank in Jamaica, but was already past his allotted time. He should've only been there for 2 years, but was finishing up his 5th year by the time he met HER. At the bank. So she should've been in the States, but wasn't. A friend of hers told her that a girl had just quit and a position had opened up at the bank and that mom should apply for the job. She did and was hired. Dad showed up a few months later to relieve the bank manager and met mom.

From the stories I've heard, once dad laid eyes on mom he immediately started referring to her as Mrs. Family Name (i.e. where Family Name is my maiden name. Obviously.). Nowadays, we'd call that harassment. Back then? That was flirting. Dad was dead lucky that mom was able to get past his "stuffed shirt" appearance to get to know him.

Their romance is a tale in itself. One day I'll get the whole story. A drunken serenade is involved, so you know it's good!

Our family tales are made of equal parts unlikely happenstance, pathos and comedy.

But maybe that's the stuff of which all of us are made. We just have to live through it and make the most of it while we're here.

Regrets

I don't know about you, but here's what I've learned about myself: I've never, ever regretted spending more time with my family.

No matter how inconvenient or expensive or late or distant a trip might have been, it has always been worth it to go. To attend. To be there for whatever event may have occurred. Weddings. Funerals. Anniversaries. Birthdays.

Sometimes it was just dinner.

It's always been worth it.

Now the issue is illness.

And here I am, in Canada, with my mother and sisters, brother-in-laws, nieces and one nephew. I am here, because here is the right place to be. My dad is not doing well. My mom needed me to be here, although she never asked me to come. She wouldn't have, because she doesn't ask for things like that. She doesn't make requests for herself.

She's used to being The Rock. She's not used to being on the receiving end of caring. However, I knew that I needed to come out and see her now. Not in a few months from now. Not after I've processed the emotions I'm currently running through (Grief. Remorse. Fear. Sadness. Horror. Anger. Disbelief. Loss. More fear. Anxiety.), which will take quite awhile. Not when it may be more convenient for me or I can find a cheaper flight, or any of a billion reasons excuses that I might otherwise come up with to not come.

Now is the time to be here. The troops have rallied. My sisters and I are here. Even if we can't do anything for dad (And honestly, we can't. There's nothing TO be done.), we can be here for mom and for each other. Even if all we did was sit around and stare at one another over dinner for the week I'll be here, we can do it together and provide each other a shoulder to cry on (That would be my job: to cry.), an ear to listen, someone to bounce ideas off of, or just to chat about completely unrelated things (So, this one time in Band Camp? No...wait...we talk about raising children and gardening and food and I listen to weird stories about television shows I know nothing about and offer completely unsolicited marital advice and tips on child raising because I'm such an expert. Ayup.) and to sometimes even laugh.

Even though dad isn't going to look up and recognize any of us and you can't really hold a conversation with him and you certainly can't resolve any outstanding issues you may have with him, you can still show up and be counted. Maybe he will look up suddenly and recognize me for a moment. He probably won't. But if I wasn't here to see him myself, I would never have even the slimmest chance of that happening.

Each time I see him, my heart breaks a little more. It's true. Each time I see him, I have to say goodbye. Each time I say goodbye, there's always that chance that I never will see him again. Hell, I could get hit by a bus and he could outlive me by years and years. You never know.

You never know when your "last" visit will come. Not with anyone.

I'm not willing to waste time making up excuses for why I can't come and see my father or my mother, or my sisters and their children. I'm not willing to waste my life waiting for the "right time" or "enough" money.

Now is the time.

Now is the only moment we have.

I have no regrets. I am exactly where I should be.

Even though it hurts.

The Healing Power of Tears

"Go ahead and cry," my mother said to me. "Tears will heal you."

If only they could heal you. If they actually possessed a magical healing power I would capture them all in a cup for you and anoint your brow with them; your eyes with them; your ears with them. If I covered you in my tears would you come back to me? Would you remember me? Would you awaken from this walking sleep that holds you?

If I could brew you a bittersweet draught from my tears that would strip this fog away, I would cry every tear for you. I would weep again at all of the sadness I've ever caused you; all the pain I ever inflicted on you; all the anger I engendered in you. I'd weep for all of the things you've lost. All of the people you've lost. All of the years you've lost.

But it doesn't work. These tears I can't shed in front of you go unused. Dripping down my cheeks, they land useless in my hands. Only my eyes are changed by their passing. You remain the same.

The hollow man. A ghost of your former self. A shadow. A shade. A revenant.

Where are you? Where have you gone?

Are you still in there? Do you rage inside your mind when we don't understand you? When you want to communicate and yet can't? Do we frustrate you when we can't translate what you want or need into a form we can understand?

I want you to know me. To remember me. To recognize me.

Just for a moment. Just for a minute. Just a bubble of memory that will cause you to look me in the eye and let me know that you see me.

It's still your voice, your chuckle, your hazel eyes that look back at me. 

Dad? Daddy? It's me. I'm here.

Come back.

I miss you. We miss you. We love you.

Please.

These tears are for you, though you may never know that they are for you or that I am yours. To you, I am no more than the smiling stranger with the tears standing in her eyes.

But I know. I know you.

I miss you.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

Cross Country Adventure: First Stop NY Baby!

I'm in NY for a few hours on my way to Ohhhh, Canadaaaaa! To visit my mom, dad, sibs and nieces and nephew.

I've finally met my (month old) niece, Madeline! She's so little! She's teensy weensy! She makes all those cute little baby noises! Grunting, nursing, hiccups. I've forgotten just how small "small" really is, since my version is now 3!

Anyway, we'll soon be on the road headed up the East Coast, through a snowstorm, to get to my mom. I'm driving up with Dawn, Matt and Madeline.

But first, a quick stop to go visit a certain cousin-in-law in NY.

Ciao!

Spelling Euphoria

Today was the Spelling Bee* at Caitlin's school. She had signed up to do it before Xmas break and studied a bit, on and off (Mostly off.) over break. Then, with two weeks left, I started asking her to study. Suddenly she decided she wasn't going to do it.

Cold feet.

At first, Eric was going to let her drop out, but I convinced him that this was a clear situation where giving in to fear was a bad idea and would set a bad precedent. If she really hated it, she didn't have to sign up again next year. But since she was already signed up, she needed to follow through.

I know. I'm a hardass, aren't I?

Well, Eric spent the last three days reviewing the word list with her, over and over again. I cheered from the sidelines between diaper changes, meltdowns and screaming fits (Logan's, mostly, not mine.) and stayed out of it.

Today was the big day.

There were about 33 kids all lined up in seats, ready for the Spell Down. We sat way in the back with the twins. Logan had to be removed immediately since he wouldn't be quiet and this was definitely a Quiet Required activity. Emma and I made it to the end of the first round before Emma had to pee.

Caitlin's first word: quarterback.

I left with Emma as the first round was applauded and took Logan from Eric. The three of us went to Caitlin's classroom to get out of the way and keep our noise to a minimum. Mostly.

At 10 am, people started filing into the classroom. The Bee was over and I'd missed it. I was crushed.

But wait...!

Turns out that there were 7 kids still standing, but they'd run out of time! Those remaining 7 would finish the Bee at 1:45 pm in this very classroom.

And Caitlin was one of the seven!

Woo!

After some negotiation, it was determined that since I'd missed the 6 rounds that Eric got to watch, that I'd go back at 1:45. Alone.

Armed with my camera and a notepad I set off.

Seven children sat in chairs. Only one other parent was there and a whole lot of children. Caitlin's entire class and the other 4th and 5th grades were squeezed into that one classroom. After the first round ("Your word is 'lugubrious'.") was over only two children were left and Caitlin was one of them (Her word was 'hexagonal').

Holy cow! I was amazed.

Uh-maaaaaaayzed.

Now was the moment we'd all been waiting for: the final round. In case you didn't know, the first child to get a word wrong puts them into the Death Spiral (If that's not what they call it officially, it IS what they should call it! I'm just doin' my part to sexy up the Bee.). The 2nd child has to spell 1st child's word correctly and spell a new word of their own. It went down something like this:

1st Child: spelled something correctly (I can't remember.)
Caitlin: Effervescent. CORRECT.
1st Child: spelled something correctly (I still can't remember.)
Caitlin: Quizzical. INCORRECT. She put an 'a' in there for the second 'i'.
1st Child: spelled something correctly and then whiffed her second, potentially winning, word.
Caitlin and 1st Child get Lackadaisical incorrect (So did I, for that matter.).

Caitlin: Incendiary. CORRECT. Whiffs potential winning word Malleable. So does 1st child, who then goes on to misspell Endocrine.

Caitlin: Endocrine. CORRECT.

Tension mounts.


Caitlin: Intermittent. CORRECT.


Holy shit! Caitlin just won her school's Spelling Bee!

OMGWTFBBQ?! SQUEE!

She was immediately mobbed by her classmates, after congratulating her opponent and accepting congratulations graciously.

They carried her around in a little circle until she made them put her down so she could come and hug...me. That teary-eyed, terribly proud mom with the stunned look on her face and the too heavy camera.

And that is the story of perseverance that I'm going to trot out every time the going looks scary or tough. For Caitlin, for the twins and for myself.

That's my girl.

Amaaaaaaazing.




* In her first Spelling Bee she made it through the first round and whiffed it on the word 'futon'. In her second Spelling Bee, last January, she made it to fourth place. I appear to have skipped writing about it. Whoops! So she's made significant jumps in her spelling, year over year. Yay, Caitlin!

Mouse-aroo-lions*

Christmas came and went at a slow, torturous pace. Rather like being drowned in treacle.

With glitter.

We got a tree and instantly learned we couldn't decorate it with glass ornaments thanks to Destructo Boy. I strung lights around the arch at the front door and set it up on a timer. Every night when it winks on at dusk, Logan squees with delight, so that was a big win. We hung our stockings by the chimney with care and then needed to put them up on the mantle until Xmas day because Destructo Boy desperately wanted to pull them (and their brass weights) down onto his head.

Christmas shopping was very, very light this year. Except for one uber present for Caitlin.

Note the fantastic wrapping job? Yeah. That is a bed sheet. We're totally stylin'.

It was a fish tank full of...small animal gear!

The very next day, we went shopping for the owners.

Please welcome Digger

and Gryphon.

The newest members of the Hatchet family.

Caitlin approves.

Just mind the cats, boys, and you'll be juuuuust fiiiiine.

"CATS?!"

You know what's fun? Letting your inner 9 year old girl squee while you're sitting in a bathtub with a pair of gerbils running around and checking you out. Squeeeeee!

Why yes, I am enjoying the gerbil taming!






* Pronounced: mouse-ah-roo-LEE-uns. They look like mice. They stand on their hind legs like kangaroos and they have an extra tuft of fur on their long tails like lions. What else would I call them?! Other than Gerbilitos, that is.

Best Cheesecake EVER: Caramel Cheesecake

Since it was Eric's birthday just recently, I needed to come up with a cake for the occasion. Unlike my friend Val, who always has Red Velvet Cake for her birthday, I make a different cake every time. There are just so many amazing recipes out there, why wouldn't I?

Caitlin had suggested an ice cream cake, but I didn't think Eric would go for it. However, whilst poking around one of my favorite bread baking sites, I saw that she had the recipe for Caramel Cheesecake. Immediately, I knew I had to bake it.

I've made cheesecakes before, and they've turned out very nicely, but this one took the cake (Sorry, I had to say that.) and received top honors. Mind you, it wasn't without its frustrating points. I broke the cake getting it out of the pan. Whoops! The first caramel I made for the topping went too far towards burnt sugar, so I had to toss it and start over again. Whoops! I also determined that next time (For there will be a next time! Oh yes. Yes there will be!) I will chop up the toffee bar finely. Or skip it entirely.

Did I mention this cake was crazy? Graham cracker crust, cheesecake, caramel top and bits of toffee around the edges. It may kill you, but you'll go out with a dreamy look in your eye!

My photo absolutely does no justice to this cheesecake. Instead, go to Wild Yeast's entry. Now that's pretty.

Instead, let me share with you her recipe with a few adjustments I've made.

Caramel Cheesecake
(Cake adapted from Wild Yeast's version of the SFBI cheesecake and Epicurious topping.)

Yield: one 8-inch cake
Time:

• Mix: 15 minutes
• Bake: 1 hour 15 minutes
• Cool: at least 2 hours
• Chill: overnight
• Unchill and top: about an hour
• Chill: 2 hours or longer

Crust Ingredients:

• 132 g graham cracker crumbs (1 pkg or ~9 graham crackers)
• 44 g sugar (1 1/2 oz)
• 64 g butter, melted (2 1/4 oz)

Filling Ingredients:

• 532 g cream cheese, softened (18 3/4 oz)
• 160 g sugar (5 5/8 oz)
• 26 g melted butter (1 oz)
• 10 (2 t.) g lemon juice
• 5 g (1 t.) vanilla extract
• 139 g (3 medium) eggs at room temperature
• 46 g heavy cream (1 1/2 oz)
• 46 g sour cream (1 1/2 oz)

Topping Ingredients:

• 150 g sugar (5 1/4 oz)
• 14 g (2 T.) water
• 1/4 t. lemon juice
• 120 g heavy cream (4 1/4 oz)
• pinch of salt
• 2 Heath Bars, coarsely chopped (Any candy bar will do here and you really just need one. I used a high end toffee bar and chopped it finely.)

Method:

1. Preheat the oven to 285F if you have a convection setting, or 325F for the regular bake setting. Start boiling water for the water bath.
2. Butter the bottom and sides of an 8-inch cake pan. Line the bottom of the pan with parchment paper, and butter the parchment.
3. Mix the crust ingredients together well with your fingers. Press the crust into the pan and partway up the sides, to a thickness of 1/4 inch.
4. In a small bowl, blend the cream and sour cream together.
5. In a stand mixer with the paddle attachment, cream the cream cheese on medium-low speed until it is very smooth.
6. Add the following ingredients is this order, mixing on medium-low speed until smooth after each addition and scraping the bowl frequently:
   • butter
   • sugar, lemon juice, and vanilla
   • eggs, one at a time
   • cream/sour cream mixture
7. Pour the batter over the crust in the prepared pan. Tap the pan on the counter a few times to release any air bubbles.
8. Place the cake on a rimmed sheet pan and set it in the oven. Pour boiling water in the sheet pan to just below the rim. (This may cause your pan to float. Cut back the water to about 3/4s up the sides of the pan. You want it surrounded by water to act as a temperature regulator and to keep the top from cracking. You aren't sending it on a float trip.)
9. Bake until the cake has just a slight wobble in the center when nudged.
10. Remove the cake from the oven and let it cool, still in its water bath, to room temperature.
11. Run a knife around the edge to make sure it is free of the pan, then invert the cake onto a plate and again onto a second plate so that it is right-side-up.
12. Cover the cake with plastic wrap directly on its surface, and chill overnight.
13. Remove the cake from the refrigerator and let it unchill slightly while you prepare the topping. Keep the plastic wrap on during this time so any condensation forms on the plastic and not on the cake.
14. In a medium saucepan, stir together the topping sugar, water, and lemon juice over medium-high heat to dissolved the sugar. Heat on medium-high without stirring, washing down the sides with a wet pastry brush occasionally, until the mixture turns an amber color.
15. Add the cream and the salt and simmer over medium-low heat, stirring from time to time, until the caramel is thick but not chewy (gauge the consistency by dripping a bit onto a metal spoon).
16. Remove from the heat and pour into a metal bowl. Cool at room temperature until it is slightly warmer than body temperature; it should still be quite pourable at this point.
17. Pour the topping over the cake; use an offset spatula to spread it to the edges and let it drip down the sides.
18. Top with chopped Heath Bars. (Chocolate bars. Nuts. Crunchy bits of something yummy. Bacon? Maybe not.)
19. Cover with a cake dome and chill for 2 – 6 hours before serving.

Here are a few of her cheesecake tips:

• To make a smooth batter, the cream cheese needs to be very soft. Leave it out to soften overnight, or put it in the microwave a few seconds at a time.
• Keep the mixer on low-medium speed, to avoid incorporating too much air. Scrape the bowl and paddle frequently.
• Avoid using a Springform pan, which can allow water to seep into the crust when you bake the cake in a water bath (even if you protect the bottom with foil). A straight-sided cake pan works just fine.
• Cool the cake completely at room temperature before refrigerating or freezing.
• To cut cleanly, dip the knife in hot water and dry it with a towel before cutting each slice.

I've found that if you have the extra wide, heavy duty foil, you CAN use a springform pan. I tried this recipe initially in a regular cake pan and couldn't get it out of the pan to save my life. Fortunately, once you add the topping, you can't see all of the cracks where it fell apart after I whomped it on the counter to "extract" it. Cracked cheesecake is just as yummy as uncracked cheesecake, so don't fret if the same thing happens to you.

The best part about making the topping for this cheesecake is that once you've done it, you need to realize that you just made caramel. From scratch. And since that wasn't too terribly hard, you can do it again. And again. It's a lot of fun and yummy, too. Add assorted flavors to it and suddenly you have candy to give away to friends.

Or not. I won't tell.

This was my second attempt at the caramel cheesecake and it turned out even better. This time I used a 9" springform pan and only 1 chocolate bar.

Scrumptious. 

Potty Training Twins, Act III - the Logan Edition

On Dec. 24th, after a normal diaper change, Eric asked Logan if he'd like to wear his big boy underwear. Tempted yet again by images of Lightning McQueen and Buzz Lightyear on his butt, Logan agreed. He also agreed to actually sit on the potty for the first time in months and months. This was, clearly, a major breakthrough.

After listening to our pediatrician and just leaving Logan alone about the potty issue, something finally clicked in his head. After months of "Would you like to wear some underwear?" "No!", "Would you like to pee on the potty?" "NO!", "Would you like to poop on the potty?" "NOOOOO!", we're finally seeing the light at the end of the toilet.

Of course, to keep things interesting, Emma has regressed and started peeing all over everything. I changed her sheets 3 times in one day and then gave up entirely on putting her down for naps or to bed without pull ups* or a diaper. I watched her sit on the stairs, look me in the eye and just let 'er rip. Ugh!

Maybe she was giving Logan a chance to catch up?

This morning I woke up to the dulcet sounds of "Mommy! I PEED!". Eric was in the bathroom and Emma was curled up in bed with me, so I got out of bed, expecting the worst. Instead, royally ensconced on his throne, was Logan. He had taken off his PJs, taken off and disposed of his pull-up properly -- in the trashcan, climbed up onto the potty and peed.

All by himself.

There was no pile of sodden clothing. No puddle on the floor.

Just one little boy, proud as can be.

Let the squeeing commence!





* After years of the reusable Bum Genius diapers, we thought we'd try the pull-ups to see if introducing those would make a difference to Logan's potty training. Something more like underwear, but a lot more absorptive. I don't know if they actually helped him get more into it (They have Woody and Buzz on them, you see.), but whatever the combination of factors, it's currently working. After this box is gone (We only bought the one box.), we'll switch back to the diapers for bedtime, if necessary, or see if he can transition to underwear all of the time. He pees like a racehorse in his sleep. Wish us continued luck!

Just when you thought it was safe to take a nap...

There I was: napping.

Eric was downstairs with the twins. Or was he?

I was woken from my very odd dream of the twins getting in a great deal of trouble to the sounds of...the twins getting into a great deal of trouble.

"Oh no! Why did you...?!" Clearly, words were failing Eric as he attempted to express his utter astonishment that in 5 minutes the twins were able to redecorate the living room.

Note that the tree has lights but no ornaments. Logan convinced us within the first 15 minutes of tree trimming that we couldn't put any ornaments up that weren't made of paper. Even then...he tore up half of those, too.

That's just under 5 lbs of bread flour and about 3 ounces of rye flour. They helped themselves, you see.

Oh and let's not forget the entire 1 lb box of penne noodles they put in their oven. Clearly they were cooking up something.

What? Me? In trouble?

This is what I refer to as Emma's Princess Hobo outfit. Liberally dusted with flour, of course.

"But I looooooves my sister! She's not bad!"

"Logan! Get off!"

"Fine! Then YOU get to take the fall alone!"

Apparently 5 minutes, under the cover of watching a movie, was long enough to coat the living room, sofa, kitchen and part of the dining room in two kinds of flour. Fortunately, they hadn't gotten to the whole wheat flour by the time Eric found them. That would have been another 5 lbs all over.

These babies need bells! Or constant video monitoring. Maybe low-jacks.

Or maybe I just need a fairy godmother. Ack!

Time Keeps on Slippin'...

Into the futuuuuuuuure! You can hear that song, can't you?


Anyway, during my month of not writing there've been several birthdays, including that of my new niece, Madeline; 2 caramel cheesecakes to die for; Christmas Eve celebration with my SIL and nephews and a whole lotta screaming/squealing; Christmas and more squealing; rotten behavior; excellent behavior; tons of urine soaked clothing and bedding (because that's what potty training really is: Olympian Loads of Laundry); New Years Eve, where we got to go to an actual adult party sans offspring; caramels and fudge and a decided lack of shipping of Xmas gifts or creation of Xmas cards.

Now, Caitlin is back in school and the twins are running amok. So much so that it deserves its very own post, with photos.

Oh and the best part? Logan has finally decided to start potty training. That was his gift to us for Christmas.

I kid you not.

Now I just need to get some safe time where I can edit the photos to show you.

So! How is your new year going?