Every day when I go to "sleep", I wonder if this will be the night. Every night when I wake up repeatedly, I wonder if this will be the moment. Every morning when I wake up, I wonder if this will be the morning.
Each time, the answer is a resounding No.
And so the long wait continues.
On the bright side, I know I have an actual end date that I'm moving towards. There won't be any surprises there. I won't have to wait and wait and wait for my body to get this show on the road, because it won't.
That's what we learned last time. I do a great job of incubating and a rotten job of releasing my children into the wild.
The thing is, I'm totally OK with a planned Cesaerean section. I'm perfectly fine with pain management. I started out in all the Lamaze classes, took the breathing techniques seriously and wanted to do all I could to avoid "intervention". My body, however, had other plans. In the end, after my water broke and 24 hours of fruitless labor, when Caitlin started to go into distress, the only option was c-section. After it was over, never for a moment did I feel like I "missed out". Like I was less of a mother for not having passed her through the birth canal with Eric squeezing my hands and telling me to breathe.
That is one of the things that I object to from all of the birthing magazines and classes and piles of literature. Sometimes life throws you something completely unexpected and you just have to roll with it. It doesn't make you less of a mother.
This isn't a contest.
There's no "right" way to do birth.
So long as you leave that hospital with your child (or children) alive and whole, you have successfully birthed a child. Drugs or no drugs, natural, planned or emergency c-section - it doesn't matter. You are still a mother. You still get to take your bundle(s - eep!) home. No one should be made to feel guilty for not doing everything they could to have a "perfect" (defined generally as "natural") birth.
Nothing in life is perfect. Why would you think giving birth is?
Let's be clear: I am not advocating that everyone go out and get drugged up and get cut up. What I am saying is that as mothers we should stick together and not tear ourselves apart over lame differences in things like birthing plans, pain management techniques or trying to define what being a "good parent" is for everyone. What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. Instead, do your research, make your plans, talk with your doctors/midwives and be prepared, but don't forget to be ready to chuck all of those plans should something go wrong and do not take on guilt for what should have been.
You made it out alive. Now it's time to become a parent.