Thursday, August 30, 2007

Hah!

Woman Overjoyed By Giant Uterine Parasite, screams the headline at The Onion.

"...Symptoms of potential uterine blight are wide-ranging and can include nausea, vomiting, constipation, irritability, emotional instability, swollen or tender breasts, massive weight gain, severe loss of bone density, fatigue, insomnia, excessive flatulence, hemorrhoids, vaginal tearing, and involuntary defecation.

...

In what will likely be the most painful experience of her life, Crowley will eventually require hospitalization in order to remove the giant entity. There is at least a 15 percent chance doctors will be forced to cut the parasite directly from her abdomen, a procedure that would result in severe trauma and scarring. If Crowley survives the operation, she will have to cope with the minimum 18 additional years of emotional and financial drain that is typically associated with this parasite, as well as irrevocable harm to her toned and relatively youthful body, This includes scarring to her breasts and stomach, and a series of visibly pronounced veins along her thighs and groin.

...

[My favorite line] Though Crowley is otherwise healthy, the fact that she is in her late 30s makes it much more likely that the parasite has already split and multiplied within her womb."
The Onion - it's what's for dinner!

2 comments:

Dawn said...

Good things you're almost finished baking - you have way too much time on your hands right now if all you can find to read is tripe like that. OMG - can't one of your friends lend you a few trashy romance novels, some more gardening books, something, anything but that....

;>

Woman with a Hatchet said...

The Onion is a spoof/parody paper, in case you hadn't heard of it before. I don't know if they have it out East.

Can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not, Dawn! Eek!

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