My First Day Alone: Live Blogging

Yes, really. This is my very first day all alone with the twins without Eric. Caitlin is in school until 2:30 pm and Eric has gone off to a CLE (Lawyerly training class) until 4:30 pm, whilst I moulder at home with the twins. Let's see how it goes!

5:45 am: Nurse Logan until unconscious from sedatives secreted in breast milk. Lay him down in co-sleeper gingerly. Emma is sleeping next to Eric in bed. Caitlin wakes up before her alarm. Direct her to start her day: feed the cats, get dressed, brush her teeth and hair. Expect to repeat directions at least 12 times before each chore is finished. Wonder again whether her hearing is damaged and remember the previous two appointments where they proved it wasn't. Try not to get angry. Stay quiet.

6 am: Escape to twins room where a mountainous pile of clean laundry waits to be folded in their crib. Due to the nightly vomit attack, we do laundry constantly. We'd have to do at least a single load a day just to keep up with the spit up, but the twins are also good at leaking out of their diapers and the rest of us like clean laundry, too. Begin folding clothes. Tip toe back into bedroom at sound of waking babies. Hover silently and will them back to sleep. When this works, return to clothing pile. Remind Caitlin she's supposed to be getting dressed. Repeat.

7 am: Sneak into bedroom with assorted sheets and towels to put away. Give Caitlin her own pile of laundry to put away. Brush Caitlin's hair. Marvel at how Caitlin is now ready except for breakfast and Eric hasn't even showered yet. All that shaving takes time, apparently. Head downstairs to give Caitlin breakfast for the first time in months (That's me feeding her breakfast, not months since she's had breakfast.). Return to folding laundry. Logan wakes. Remove him from room before he wakes up Emma. Change diaper and nurse, while he's still awake and quiet.

7:40 am: Take smiling Logan down to kitchen and get bowl of cereal for self. Possibly my only chance to get breakfast, might as well jump on it while I only have one happy child on me. Watch as Eric makes his own Breakfast of Champions: half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a latte. Yeah. He suggests that they will at least have doughnuts (Wonder why the spell checker doesn't recognize the proper spelling of doughnuts.) at the CLE. Sit Logan into vibrating chair so that I can have access to both my hands. He hangs out and gets all smiley.

7:45 am: Eric and Caitlin exit the house to get to school on time with no yelling. It's a Thursday Miracle. Normally there's lots of yelling in the morning, since Caitlin is apparently incapable of getting ready without constant reminders and threats. Feel amazed that this morning went as smoothly as it did. Emma wakens, crying. Retrieve crier, change diaper and nurse at kitchen table. Logan starts to complain about feeling ignored down there in vibrating chair. Heft crying twin into lap, attempting to keep him from squashing nursing sister.

8:08 am: Eric returns from drop off. Have him hold Logan while I set up a pile of pillows for tandem nursing on the sofa while I continue nursing Emma and holding her with my left hand. The tandem nursing pillow got thrown up on two nights again and its cover is in the wash, so it's not available. Satisfied with nursing nest, I settled both children in and wish I could control the computer or DVD player with my mind. Unfortunately, my mental powers of telekinetics haven't been honed yet, so I sit and watch the twins while they nurse.

8:13 am: Eric escapes the insanity reluctantly leaves his beloved wife to the tender mercies of the twins.

8:30 am: Both twins are unconscious. Make first attempt at placing them in car seats while still sleeping so I can sneak away for a shower. Put away my clothes from huge pile and set out clothes to wear for the day.

8:32 am: Emma wakes up. Snuggle her and start blogging (Why not?). Emma passes out.

8:59 am: I will now make my second attempt at getting her to stay asleep in the car seat so I can take a shower. Wish me luck.

9:29 am: Perform victory dance! Have successfully showered, dressed and braided hair without Screaming Infant Incident. Have successfully Gotten Ready prior to noon for first time in...ages. Congratulate self. Hover nervously over Emma as she makes funny little noises in her sleep. Waking? Laughing? She returns to deeper sleep and I make my way downstairs to...empty the dishwasher. Logan smiles in his sleep.

9:43 am: Finish unloading dishwasher. Upon hearing Logan beginning to awaken, fly through loading dishwasher as fast as possible. Am pushing my luck. Logan insists he's waking up and must be nursed. Give in to the inevitable and nurse him. Read blogs while nursing.

10:30 am: Having knocked Logan out and read up on my favorite blogs, I shall now attempt to return him to the car seat for a nap and attempt to cycle the laundry (sheets that someone peed/dribbled breast milk/spit up on) and maybe go balance the checkbook. I'm crazy that way. Maybe I'll even *gasp* have a snack. A bowl of cereal is not enough energy to feed twins on.

10:38 am: Whoo hoo! Cycling laundry did not wake up Emma. Will now multitask by taking my snack with me to go balance the checkbook in the basement. Lookit me go!

11:13 am - 12:35 pm: Both have awoken and we have a blowout diaper. Chaos ensues. I wasn't kidding about the chaos. I just didn't know how bad it would get. I was in the process of entering my paid bills into Quicken when I heard Logan wake up on the main floor. Right as I grabbed him and noticed he needed a new outfit, I heard Emma start to holler so I went upstairs, grabbing Emma's thrush medicine and a new outfit on the way. I set Logan down next to Emma to the sound of sweet sweet stereo screaming. I changed him first to stop his screaming, figuring that he wasn't starving to death since he'd nursed sooner. Then I worked on giving Emma her medicine while Logan lay next to her on the floor. She screamed non-stop while I worked on him and in return, he screamed while I gave her the medicine and changed her diaper. Fair's fair! Then I took them both downstairs to tandem nurse on the sofa. She was fine with that while he claimed disinterest. Once they were both happy, I gave them a little time on the playmat. I think that lasted 2 minutes before Emma was over it while Logan was happy for closer to 10 minutes.

Here's where things went horribly wrong: I attempted to tandem nurse again on the sofa since Emma was claiming I hadn't nursed her long enough before. I set us up again and just as Emma fell asleep, Logan threw up all over the two of us. I tried to save Emma from it by setting her a little farther away on the sofa cushion. I then tried to set Logan down on the floor with the receiving blankets sopping up the vomit (Managed to catch most of it in the blankets and then turned him chest down right into it!) when I over-balanced Emma. She fell off the sofa onto the floor, head first.

Fortunately I managed to catch her just in time - right before her head went CLUNK! onto the ground. That's the only way I know she didn't actually hit the ground: no clunk. She screamed, though, so I think she bonked into something on the way down or might just have been scared since she had been asleep and then suddenly airborne. So right in a 2 minute span I was covered in vomit and had dropped my baby. Nice! Surely there's a Stupid Parent Award for that combination?

Emma calmed down quickly (another reason why I'm certain she didn't hit the ground) while I gathered up the vomitrocious Logan and took him upstairs. Emma objected to being left behind in the car seat, so I came back for her and installed her in the swing in the bedroom, being careful to keep her clean body away from my icky self. Then it was off to the bath for Logan and a new set of clothes for me. When we got out, Emma was fast asleep. I checked her head for bruises and didn't find any so I left her to sleep and took Logan off to nurse him again.

I think I don't like tandem nursing. I can't burp anyone effectively and if I don't burp them, they are going to throw up on me. And now I've dropped my baby as a direct result.

Now I think I shall wallow in parental guilt for awhile while eating lunch.

1:09 pm: Logan wakes up. I change and nurse him while waiting for my soup to warm up.

1:15 pm: The Cavalry arrives in the for of my friend Heather and her daughter Faith! She helps me get a chance to eat lunch by snorgling Logan who fell asleep on my chest but didn't want to be put in the vibrating chair. She shares her Honeycrisp apples with me, I let her snuggle my baby. Fair Trade!

2:15 pm: We say goodbye to Heather because it's time to get Caitlin from school. We toss the twins into their seats and into the car and I head out. At the midway point I park and pull our the double stroller for the walk up to the school. Emma complains about being woken from her swing-induced coma but settles down for the carriage ride. Caitlin collected, we return home. I considered going to the store for stamps and possibly more pants, but Emma convinces me that going home is the wiser course. At the top of her lungs.

2:57 pm: Emma has a blow out. I fix that, change her diaper and clothes and give her another dose of medicine. Now she wants to nurse. Logan begins making wake up noises. I dread having to tandem nurse again. Caitlin distracts Logan long enough for me to mostly nurse Emma, then it's his turn. I work on the tandem thing and try burping him with my hands full of Emma. It is not easy and makes me wonder why I don't have more hands. Eventually Emma passes out so I can focus on Logan. We avoid another round of Throw Up on Mommy when Logan blows out while I'm holding him. Are they conspiring against me? The Laundry Gods are angry today. He gets changed. Emma wants to nurse again. Logan gets tossed into the swing. Emma gets nursed. Emma passes out. Logan is now complaining that he's still hungry. Gotta go.

3:45 pm: The Cavalry arrives in the form of Sierra! However, this is just a temporary reprieve. She and Eric are going out to a lawyerly meet and greet. Some glad-handing, card exchanging, nibbly munching, HiyaHowyadoin' networking thingie. I finish nursing Logan who then gets snuggled by Sierra.

4:13 pm: Eric arrives, warms up lasagna for Caitlin and I, snuggles a baby or two and hears my tale of woe. Forgives me and one-ups me with the tale of Caitlin falling down a flight of steps at 8 months. No harm, no foul. More nursing. We're now getting into the part of the evening where the twins nurse near constantly, I run out of milk and doubt my ability to nurse them for another week much less 12 months and they won't settle down for a nap.

5:22 pm: Eric and Sierra leave me for their soiree. My puppy dog look of desperation doesn't even slow them down.

5:24 pm: Logan threatens to throw up on me again while nursing solo.

5:37 pm: Emma is no longer content to hang out in the swing. Am possibly going insane from needy children. I'm supposed to be able to do this all day every day?

6:11 pm: I am trapped under twins, tandem nursing when I ask Caitlin to take a bath and get ready for bed. Notice I didn't ask her to go to bed, I asked her to take a bath. The whining starts. She's whining about dessert. I tell her that if she continues in that tone there will be no dessert. The threat sends her into paroxysms of whining. Dessert is canceled. Whining gets worse. Baths are now on the Hated List and crying has started. I remain calm under my twin burden and remind her that that attitude is the problem and is what got her dessert taken away. How much more trouble would she like to get in? She finally goes into the bathroom and stomps around. I'm too tired to yell, so I just nurse and wonder if she'll ever take a bath or if she'll start breaking things.

I begin making the mental list of just what the punishment should be for whatever she comes up with in the bathroom. It makes me sad to have to continually come up with punishment plans. Finally she starts showering. Emma finally passes out from milk. I struggle to keep Logan upright and burped to avoid the sudden reappearance of my own milk.

Caitlin finishes her shower. Damp and naked she apologizes for her earlier yelling and asks if she can earn her dessert back. I stand by my earlier punishment and say no. She begins to cycle back up on the whining. Again I tell her that this isn't how you convince me that you have earned dessert back. I know! I'm crazy that way!

6:40 pm: Eric and Sierra return. Caitlin immediately asks Daddy to "talk some sense into" me so that she can have dessert. To her credit, she began by telling him what she did wrong and that she apologized but that she really really wants dessert. Eric, however, stands by my decision and the whining and crying starts back up. He does some magic Daddy Dance and it stops. I relinquish bedtime chores to him while I finish trying to knock Logan unconscious with my breast.

7:21 pm: After a bit of chit chat on lawyerly things, Sierra leaves. I attempt to put the sleeping Logan down but he will not have it! He awakes immediately, although he's in a good mood, so it's a lot easier to deal with. Now it's time for gelato and shortbread cookies.

Rats! Emma just woke up. Guess who will be eating and nursing? Le sigh.

But at least I'm no longer alone.

I tell ya: I could never do this alone. I would never do this without Eric.